


Should Have, Could Have, Will Be.

by WhoIsWren



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellamy Blake & Nathan Miller Friendship, Boys In Love, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Domestic Fluff, First Dates, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Meet-Cute, Memories, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Assault, Pre-Canon, Prison Station | Sky Box, Reunions, Self-Harm, The Ark Station, Unity Day (The 100)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-11-29 08:46:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11437332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoIsWren/pseuds/WhoIsWren
Summary: A look into the relationship between Miller and Bryan, from that first meeting on the Ark to all the trials being on Earth brings them.**Each chapter can be read as stand alone but they are in chronological order and are cohesive enough to be one whole fic.





	1. Blush For The First Time

**Author's Note:**

> Chose not to use the warning "Underage", but in the first few chapters Bryan is 14 and Miller is 16 though nothing more sexual than a kiss is shared between them. When it gets to more canon timeline Miller will be 18 and Bryan 16 where things may or may not get more sexual, on those chapters I'll put more warnings. Just fair warning for now though. 
> 
> Tags to be added with each chapter, and Rating subject to change later on. 
> 
> dont own the 100, etc etc.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Bryan and Miller meet on the Ark.

Unity Day was supposed to be a fun filled celebration, a time when everyone could let go and enjoy themselves. One day a year to relax.

It was Miller’s least favourite day.

Sure the party was fine, it was nice to watch all his friends act like teenagers for once, but for Miller the day meant something else. Unity Day was the one day a year Nathan Miller had to act like the perfect well mannered son of the Chief Guard. Basically the complete opposite of who Miller actually was.

Don’t get him wrong he loves his dad more than anything and he respects the hell out of him but Miller can’t be the son his dad deserves. It’s just not in him to follow rules he doesn’t wholeheartedly believe in. Most of the rules on the Ark he understands, they are there to ensure the human race survives, but the whole floating people for minor crimes isn’t something he can accept, especially when those people being floated are usually workers. If one of the upper class breaks the law it has to be something truly unforgivable for them to be floated, even then if they had valuable skills, like medical or engineering, then they could still be pardoned. So no, Nathan Miller couldn’t be the good little soldier his dad wanted, but on Unity Day he had to pretend like he was. There were too many important people that his dad needed to look good for.

Over the years Miller had gotten used to it, put on a charming smile and tell everyone how great his father is and try as hard as he possibly can not to cause trouble. He doesn’t really complain too much about having to perform this little show, his dad deserves to keep his job and Nathan owes his dad everything, so it’s not that hard to comply. But more than anything Miller wishes he could just skip the whole day.

This is his 16th Unity Day and everything about this day has become predictable and redundant. The speech is always the same, the children’s pageant never changes and the same people always get too drunk and make fools of themselves. Miller sighed and tried not to let the annoyance show on his face as the young kids of the Ark began their performance of the unification of the Ark Stations. Kids were cute and all but it was always the same story, _12 stations joined together to form the Ark blah blah blah..._

As his eyes were lazily scanning the crowd he spotted something that made his breath catch. On the other side of the pageant directly across from him was the most attractive guy he’s ever seen. He looked to be a little younger than Miller, maybe 14 or 15 years old, with brown shaggy hair and a long pale neck that was begging for Miller to cover it in hickeys. He’s a biter, what can he say?

But that wasn’t what made the guy so attractive. It was the blinding smile stretched across his face. The guy was so enraptured by the little kids twirling their flags around that he didn’t seem to realise the near goofy grin he was sporting. Miller found he couldn’t look away from that smile, so wide and happy and those dimples were truly something else. In all his life Miller doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone look so genuinely happy. A smile that beautiful was infectious and Miller could feel the corners of his mouth lift up.

Before he can get his expression under control the guy actually takes his eyes off the performance and by chance looks towards where Miller is still smiling at him.

If Miller thought the guy was beautiful before then seeing him blush bright pink and duck his head shyly is breathtaking. It’s also a bit of an ego boost. Nathan knows he’s good looking for a 16 year old but this guy was so beautiful that Nathan actually doubted himself. Seeing the most attractive person get all flustered over him made Miller smirk and he let his eyes drag all over the guys thin frame, not bothering with anything remotely subtle. There’s no point in being subtle with a guy this gorgeous.

For the rest of the children’s performance Miller didn’t take his eyes off this guy and likewise the guy seemed to find it hard to look away from Miller though he still tried to watch the kids. When the crowd around him started to wander off and mingle Miller had a moment of panic.

_What does he do now?_ He can’t just let this beautiful guy walk off without at least getting his name. Miller’s never been a particularly shy kind of guy but there’s something special about this guy that makes him nervous.

Wading through the bustling crowd Miller makes his way over to where the guy is standing. Luckily, he hasn’t moved yet, seemingly he noticed that Nathan was making his way over.

Standing in front of the guy Miller felt his nerves racket up a notch. _Damn, this kid is even more beautiful up close._ Miller’s always been a little cocky, he’s never really lacked confidence, especially when it comes to guys but now he feels like he’s 13 years old again a face full of pimples and sweating up a storm before he had his first kiss with Grayson from Factory Station. His palms are already clammy and his tongue feels like lead.

Then the boy looks up at him with these big brown eyes and smiles at him.

“Nathan!” Miller blurts out nervously. “Uh, I mean, I’m – Nathan but uh, everyone calls me...Miller.”

Awkward introduction? Check. Stuttering like a fool? Check. Zero change of coming off as smooth? Check.

_Great way to impress the guy you're totally crushing on, Miller._

Before Miller can run away in total embarrassment he hears the most angelic voice.

“I’m Bryan,” the guy smiles and Miller thinks maybe he didn’t screw this up too badly.

He thinks he could put up with the madness that is Unity Day as long as Bryan keeps smiling at him like that.

“You looked like you were enjoying the show,” Miller comments trying to find the charm he usually uses on the pretty guys around the Ark.

“You didn’t, considering you were looking at me the whole time,” Bryan smirks then immediately blushes that brilliant pink and shuffles a little awkwardly.

Miller feels like all his dreams have come true. A guy this attractive who looks so innocent but has enough sass to sweep Miller off his feet; Miller feels the need to pinch himself to make sure he’s not actually still dreaming.

“Hard to look away from someone so beautiful,” Miller replies breathlessly. It’s not that he’s really trying to be smooth anymore; mostly he’s trying to keep breathing normally and not melt into a puddle of goo.

Then Bryan giggles, actually giggles, and immediately looks like he’d wish the floor would swallow him whole. Miller simultaneously wants to wrap Bryan up in blankets and protect him from this harsh world and do every dirty thing he could think of to destroy this sweet boys innocence.  

Unity Day just got a whole lot more interesting.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next up - First Date.


	2. Giraffing Me Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bryan and Miller's first date and first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some canon dialogue here years before they actually say it on the show but I like the idea of this being something they've talked about before canon. This is their little fantasy they talk about when things get rough. Just my Head Canon.

It was almost time, he’d be here any second and Bryan was nervously checking his outfit for the third time. Bryan wasn’t delusional enough to want tonight to be perfect, there was no such thing as perfect, he just wanted it to go well. Really well, actually.

He’d known he liked guys since he was 10 years old. It was his first week out in the fields on the Ark, the place where they grow all their food – he wasn’t really allowed to work on the crops yet but because he showed interest he was there learning everything he needed to know about working with the plants – and there in the middle of the fields was Tyson. The 16 year old was sweaty and dirty and his shirt was tight showcasing all the rewards working in the fields had given his body. Every fibre of Bryan’s body screamed _YES!_ So he knows he’s attracted to guys but it seemed that none of the other guys his age were interested in him. He’s 14 and a half now and he’s never been kissed and never been on a date.

Until now that is.

It’s been a week since Unity Day, a week of talking to Nathan every day after classes ended. He couldn’t help but feel charmed that the older boy made the effort to see him every day instead of hanging out with his friends. Bryan’s never had someone pay attention to him before, never had someone want to actually spend time with him. So it’s no wonder he’d fallen for Nate, he’s funny, caring, charming and good looking and despite their age difference he didn’t seem to treat Bryan like a little kid.

_“I want to take you out on a date. Dinner tomorrow night?”_ Nate had asked yesterday on their walk back to Bryan’s quarters. Of course, he’d said yes and he’s never been so exited before but now he’s so nervous he’s tempted to call the whole thing off.

Of course that’s when there’s a knock at his door and Bryan feels like he might just pass out.

_C’mon, Bry, you’ve been waiting all week for this moment. You like him and he likes you. All you have to do is open the damn door and go on your first actual date. No big deal. You’ll be fine._

His pep talk may not have been the best but it got the job done, it gave him enough courage to open his door and greet his date.

“Hey Nate,” Bryan would like to blame the squeakiness of his voice on puberty but he’s pretty sure it’s because Nathan looks amazing. The older boy is wearing this army green sweater that makes his skin look golden and Bryan’s pretty sure he even polished his shoes.

“You look great,” Nathan says, his eyes dragging up and down Bryan’s body. Bryan self-consciously tugs on the bottom of his blue t-shirt. He doesn’t own any nice clothes, just clothes that look less tattered than the others. The shirt, black hoodie and denim jeans he’s wearing now are all a little big for him because of how skinny he is but they have the least amount of holes and aren’t caked in dirt. It’s the best he could do and standing in front of Nathan he wishes he’d had time to trade for something nicer.

“You too,” he finally replies and looks up to see Nate smiling fondly at him. That smile eases some of his nerves.

“Come on, let’s go.” Nathan smirks before holding out his hand. Bryan tries to subtly wipe his clammy hands on his jeans before reaching out and taking Nate’s hand. He’s never held a guys hand before and it turns out he really likes it.

Their hands stay interlocked as they walk through the halls of the Ark. Bryan’s not really paying attention to where they’re going he’s too busy listening to Nate’s husky voice telling him about the trouble he got up to in class today and the feel of his hand in Nate’s.

Bryan stops in his tracks when they round a corner and he finally notices where they are. They’ve walked all the way to Alpha Station and to one of the more restricted sections. There’s a small table set up with their dinner rations laid out in front of a huge window. In all his life Bryan’s only seen Earth in a few glimpses, but now the planet is on full view right in front of them. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. Earth looks like some kind of paradise and one day their people will get to step foot on their home planet.

“Some people owed me a few favours. No one will be around here for a few hours, so we’ve got the place to ourselves. You like it?” Nathan questioned a smile evident in his voice. Bryan couldn’t take his eyes off the window, off of this amazing view.

Wordlessly he nods, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open unattractively. He hears Nathan chuckle next to him before the older boy leads him over to the table. He half expects Nathan to pull out his chair for him like he’s read about in books and seen on old TV shows but is incredibly happy when he doesn’t. Just because he’s younger doesn’t mean he wants to be treated like a girl.

Bryan finally tears his gaze away from the window and looks at the table, noticing that there’s way more food on his plate than either of their rations should allow.

“Nate?” Bryan questions softly and cautiously. Nathan may be a Miller, therefore wealthier than his own family is but he’s still part of the working class. There’s no way he can afford this food which makes Bryan wonder what he’s traded in for this luxury. Bryan knows his place on the Ark, he’s just a lowly farm worker, and he’s not worth the extra rations.

“Like I said, people owe me favours. Don’t go freaking out; I didn’t sell my soul for the food or whatever. Besides, you’re worth using up a few favours.”

It’s too much, all of it. The view, the privacy, the food, Nathan – all of it is just more than he deserves. He’s using every ounce of strength he has not to start crying, how embarrassing would that be on a first date. He doesn’t want Nate to think he’s not having a good time or that he doesn’t appreciate everything he’s done for him but Bryan’s not used to people being this nice to him. He learnt at a young age that he wasn’t worth any special treatment, overcoming years of being told your worthless in one night is impossible. The least he can do is shove his emotions down and enjoy himself with the guy of his dreams.

Having a good time when he’s with Nathan isn’t exactly a hard thing to do. He always feels like he’s floating in zero gravity around Nate.

“What do you think it’d be like down there?” Bryan asks, pushing down his insecurities, gesturing towards the image of Earth they can see out the window.

“They say it’s perfect right? That in a hundred years we’ll get to go down and live happily ever after in paradise. It’s gotta be good right?” Nate shrugs, like he hasn’t ever thought about it. Bryan doesn’t get how he couldn’t have thought about it, it’s all Bryan can think about some days – Earth and all its wonders.

“Yeah, but I wanna know what you think, not what everyone else thinks.”

They eat their food in silence for a moment while Nathan thinks through his answer. Bryan appreciates that Nathan’s taking his question seriously.

“I guess I think it’ll be better than up here because anything’s got to be better than being stuck on the Ark. It’d be nice to feel a breeze, to experience actual seasons or swim in a lake. But I also think it’ll be hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well anything new and unknown is hard right? And we’d gotta learn how to swim before getting to a lake.” Nathan smirks like he knows something Bryan doesn’t.

“We?” Bryan asks with a smile.

“Yeah, we’re gonna build a house on a lake and we’re gonna plant corn,” Nathan doesn’t take his eyes off Bryan and smiles like this is all he could ever need in life.

“And raise chickens,” Bryan smiles, joining in on the fantasy.

“Grow old, together.”

They both smile at each other dreamily lost in their silly little fantasy. Bryan knows it’s stupid, he’s only 14 and a half on his first date but he likes the idea of growing old with Nathan. They may not be able to get to Earth but a life on the Ark with Nate by his side sounds like a good life.

For the rest of their meal they talk about everything. Bryan tells Nate about what he learnt in Earth Skills, about how he doesn’t understand the point in the book he’s reading, and tells him about how the farmers finally let him work on the crops. In turn, Nathan tells him about how badly he’s failing physics, how he’s trying to help Harper get the attention of some guy she’s crushing on, and how his dad is pressuring him to join the guard. Once their food is done they stand in front of the window looking out at Earth. Nate stands behind him and wraps his arms around Bryan’s shoulders with his head lightly resting on top Bryan’s.

Bryan can’t remember a time he’s felt so safe. He would gladly stay in Nate’s arms for the rest of his life if he could. They stay silent just enjoying the view and the feel of the others body so close.

“As much as I’d love to stay here with you we gotta head back. Guards will be around soon and if I don’t get you back before curfew then we’ll both be in trouble.” Nathan whispers in his ear and Bryan shivers in his arms.

Bryan turned around in Nate’s arms and looked up at the older boy. It’s not like he planned on wanting to kiss Nate at this exact moment but being so close to him made it the only thing he could think about. This being his first ever kiss Bryan thought he’d be more nervous but he found he wasn’t. There was nothing to be afraid of with Nate.

His heart was beating wildly in his chest and the butterflies in his stomach were raging but it didn’t stop him from titling his head up and pressing his lips to Nate’s. He didn’t see fireworks or anything cliché like that but it was the most amazing feeling. Heart stuttering, breath hitching and hands clenching in Nate’s shirt. It was exactly what he imagined his first kiss would feel like, exciting and comforting all at once. The kiss was chaste, but it lingered for a moment before Bryan pulled back.

Opening his eyes Bryan looked into the face of the most beautiful guy with an equally beautiful soul and smiled at him. Nathan looked shocked and for moment he stood staring at Bryan before a grin overtook his face. Bryan could really get used to a smile like that.

“I’m gonna have my hands full with you, aren’t I?” Nate smirked.

“I hope so,” Bryan murmurs without meaning to. When the words register he can feel all the blood in his body rush to his cheeks. He can’t believe he just said that, though to be fair this is a thing that happens sometimes – his mouth says things his brain doesn’t exactly approve of.

Nathan’s eyes kind of glaze over for a moment before he clears his throat a little awkwardly. Bryan chuckles, pleased by the reaction his words invoked. Nathan laughed and shoved Bryan’s shoulder before grabbing the boy’s hand.

“Come on you little minx, time to get you home,” with that Nathan pulled Bryan along and the boy’s ran all way back to Bryan’s quarters in Farm Station. It was silly and childish, the both of them running as if a guard was chasing them, but it was also fun. By the time they arrived at Bryan’s quarters they were both giggling like little kids.

Between one breath and the next Nathan cupped Bryan’s neck and brought their lips together. There was something about this kiss that felt _more_ than the previous one. It was more than just a press of lips, more than chaste, and all Bryan could think about was how much he liked kissing Nate. When they pulled apart Nate looked serious, too serious for the situation, and before Bryan could ask if something was wrong he felt something being pressed into his hand.

“Nate – Wha... _How?_ Did you?” Bryan stuttered out, unable to form proper sentences. He was in shock looking at the small figurine in his hand. There was no way it was actually what he thought it was.

In his hand was a tiny wooden giraffe.

They’d only known each other a day before Bryan told Nathan how much he liked giraffes, the necks alone made them endlessly fascinating. It was one simple off handed comment and apparently Nate had remembered. That in itself was amazing, more than Bryan thought he could handle.

But he was holding something wooden. _Wood_. It wasn’t exactly that easy to produce wood in space so what little of it they had was expensive.

“I just want you to know that I really like you and I had a great time tonight,” Nathan comments bashfully.

Bryan is still in a state of shock. Everything about tonight makes the pain of his life worth it. His life sucked, but so did everyone’s on the Ark. A few years ago his mother died, she was sick and there wasn’t enough medicine to save her, and after she died his father couldn’t move past it. His father drank almost constantly and on a good day he pretended Bryan didn’t exist, on bad days Bryan had to hide the bruises and work through the pain. He hasn’t told Nate about any of this yet, mostly because he knows how protective Nathan is and worries he’d do something stupid and get locked up for it. Nate doesn’t need to know about his tragic life to make it better though, all he has to do is keep looking at Bryan like he’s something important, something worthwhile. So instead of rejecting the expensive gift Bryan clutches it tight and vows to never let it or the man that carved it go.

“Thank you for the best night of my life,” Bryan finally whispers. “Next time I get to plan the date.”

“So there’s going to be a next time?” Nate smiles hopefully.

“Always a next time.”

 As if there was any chance Bryan was going to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - Miller gets arrested.


	3. The End Of A Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miller gets caught stealing and his first visitation with Bryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: The beanie Miller wears in season 1 was Bryan's.

Miller’s been stealing since he was 12 years old. Sure, he knew it was wrong and illegal and all that but it was also necessary. Well, most of the time it was necessary – other times Miller stole because it was fun or because something looked cool.  He’s stolen food, medicine and trinkets to trade. Everyone knows he’s one of the best thieves on the Ark but no one ever talks about it. Miller’s actually been hired a few times, certain people want certain things they can’t get for themselves so Miller offers to acquire it for a price. His price varies depending on the customer and the difficulty of the theft, sometimes he wants food or new clothes other times he just wants someone to do his physics homework for him.

He’s been stealing things for over 5 years now and he’s never been caught. Miller’s pretty sure the guards have heard about his wandering hands but they’ve never been able to catch him in the act. It’s not like they can just accuse the son of the Chief Guard without proof.

They’d been together for 3 months when Miller told Bryan about his _hobby_. Bryan didn’t exactly like the fact he was dating a criminal, he was always such a morally good guy, but he also understood that sometimes to survive you need to break the rules. Not once in their 14 month relationship had Bryan ever asked Miller to steal something for him, but Nathan did it anyways. Occasionally he’d steal some pain killers for Bryan when his dad’s temper got the best of him or some new clothes when he grew out of the ones he had. Miller would do anything to help Bryan and wouldn’t think twice about the consequences.

Four months ago Miller had turned 17 and ever since Bryan has been asking him to stop stealing. It worried the younger boy that the closer Miller got to 18 the closer he got to being floated for his thievery. As endearing as it was that his boyfriend was so worried about him Miller was confident in his abilities. He didn’t think he’d ever get caught.

Until he did.

It was a seemingly normal market day when it happened. Every couple of months the people of the Ark set up stalls to trade anything of value and hundreds of Arkian’s gather to inspect the goods. Miller loved market days, they always had the best products and because it was so crowded it was harder to actually steal anything. Miller always loved a challenge.

He was too cocky, too sure of his abilities that he didn’t even look around to check for guards. He thought he was too skilled to get caught. There wasn’t even anything around him that he wanted to take but his fingers itched to swipe something, _anything_. It’s an itch he’s felt before, the absolute _need_ to steal something just for the rush of it. This itch was dangerous and he always knew it would get him in trouble.

A piece of purple fabric lay on a nearby table, the colour catching his eye because only the richest could afford bright colours. There was a seamstress around the corner from him that would freak for fabric like that and Miller could get her to take down the hems of his pants – his latest growth spurt left his pants all a few inches too short. It wasn’t a necessity, he didn’t need this score, but he wanted the thrill.

Casually walking up to the table Miller waited until the woman turned to speak to someone asking about a jacket for sale. A rush of calm overcame him when he lightly grabbed the purple material and pocketed it. The steal was deceptively simple but it cured the itch in his hands and made his heart race with adrenalin. Before he could even take one step away from the table a heavy hand landed on his shoulder. Miller didn’t need to turn around to know it was a guard.

Luckily it wasn’t his own father that caught him, unluckily for him it was Commander Shumway. That guy had had it out for Miller for years, mainly because he wanted his dad’s job. There would be no sweet talking his way out of this one. The reality of what was about to happen to him finally set in as he was led away in handcuffs from the market place and headed towards the Sky Box.

He’s actually been caught, been arrested, for stealing. His dad was finally going to know what a total screw up his son was, _crap_ , his dad was going to be so disappointed which was way worse than angry. This offence will bring shame to his family name. What if his dad loses his job because of this?

He’d never thought about the consequences before.

“Miller?”

Nathan turns around at the sound of someone calling his name. It’s just Harper but she looks shocked and afraid. He wishes he could reassure her that he’ll be fine but he’s not actually sure he will be.

“Get Bry!” he yells before Shumway shoves his shoulder forward. Miller has to turn around and keep his feet moving lest he fall flat on his face, though he’s sure Shumway is just waiting for him to stumble so he has a reason to beat the crap out him.

Miller tries so hard not to think about Bryan as he’s led through the halls of the Ark headed straight for the Sky Box. He doesn’t know how Bryan’s going to survive all on his own. It’s not that Bryan is weak, far from it actually if the wrestling matches they’ve been having are anything to go by, it’s just that he has no chance against his father. Bryan’s dad never liked his son dating someone from Alpha Station, but more than that the man couldn’t stand to look at Bryan when he looked so much like his late wife. Mostly Miller tried to steal pain killers for Bryan, or make sure his dad didn’t trade away all his food rations for alcohol and a couple times a week Bryan was allowed to stay in Miller’s quarters. It never felt like enough but now he wasn’t there to protect Bryan at all. 

They’re almost at the Sky Box and Miller worries he won’t get the chance to say goodbye to Bryan when he hears feet pounding behind him.

“Nate!”

Miller spins around, shouldering Commander Shumway out of the way, just in time for a solid body to collide with him. Bryan’s arms wrap around him as the younger boy buries his head in Miller’s neck. Nathan can feel the boy’s tears drip down his neck and in that moment Miller hates Shumway more than he ever has. He wishes more than anything that his hands weren’t bound behind him because all he wants is to be able to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and hold on tight.

“I’m gonna be okay, Bry. And you’re gonna be okay. I love you so much.” Miller chokes out the words, his tears getting the better of him. Saying goodbye is harder than he thought it would be, especially when he can feel Bryan shaking in front of him.

“I love you too Nate. I’m gonna come see you as soon as I can.” Bryan whispers into his neck. They aren’t the type of couple to say _‘I Love You’_ all the time, but whenever they do it feels like a promise, like something worth fighting for.

Bryan pulls back slightly to look at Miller’s face and the image of Bryan’s distraught face nearly breaks Miller’s heart. Bryan shoots a look over Miller’s shoulder, probably noticing that Shumway is about 10 seconds away from ripping them apart, the heartless bastard. Quicker than Miller can track Bryan rips the beanie off his head and shoves it onto Miller’s head before planting a bruising kiss on his lips. Staggering a bit at the force of the kiss Miller melts into his boyfriends embrace.

“That’s enough.” Shumway barks before grabbing Miller’s shoulder again and forcibly ripping him away from Bryan and leading him through the door to the Sky Box.

The last thing Miller sees before the doors close is Bryan standing alone in the hall, hands clenched at his sides and tears flowing steadily from his sad eyes. Miller instantly regrets stealing everything he’s ever taken.

~ ~ ~

It’s been one month since his arrest and today is his first visitation. The last time he was this nervous was his first date with Bryan. It feels like the first time all over again even though it’s only been a month since they last saw each other.

Since his dad is the Chief Guard he doesn’t exactly need to wait until visitation to see his son, but even then it’s only been a couple times in the last month. Seeing his dad the day after his arrest was just as hard as saying goodbye to Bryan was. His dad just held him close for a long time before trying to explain how things in Lockup went. As much as he appreciated his dad trying to warn him all he wanted was a distraction from the fact he was now in jail.

8 months, his dad had said. _Eight whole months._

That’s the minimum amount of time he’d be in the Sky Box, eight months until he turns 18 and he’d be reviewed. Miller’s been actively avoiding thinking about the review, hardly anyone got a second chance; most of the time the 18 year olds were floated to save on resources. Miller didn’t hold out much hope for his own case.

If he was a better man he’d tell his dad to never see him again, to try and move on now, he’d be planning on breaking up with Bryan when he sees him today.

Nathan Miller isn’t a better man; he selfishly needs the love and support of his dad and his boyfriend.

Without warning the door to his cell opens, there’s no such thing as privacy in prison. Miller smiles when it’s his dad that enters to escort him to the visitation area.

“You look like you’re on your way to be floated, son. Calm down, would you, it’s just Bryan,” his dad laughs at him and Miller relax at the sound. Things may be strained between them but at least he’ll always have his dad.

“Shut up, dad,” Miller laughed, nudging his dad with his shoulder, seeing as his hands had to be cuffed the second he was out of his cell. “I haven’t seen him in a month. What if he doesn’t want a criminal as a boyfriend? Or things with his dad got worse? Or any number of things could have gone wrong while I was stuck here.”

“Nathan, that boy loves you more than life itself. You have nothing to worry about.”

It was a little embarrassing hearing his dad talk about his relationship with Bryan but he appreciated the support anyways. His dad smiled at him reassuringly and was about to open the door to visitation when Miller’s nerves got the best of him.

“Dad, is it wrong to keep dating him knowing what’s going to happen to me?” Miller whispered not even sure he wanted an answer. The silence that followed was tense; his dad probably doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that in 8 months his son will get floated.

“You are _not_ getting floated for this Nathan; I promise you, you will survive this. I’m going to make sure of it.”

Before Miller could say anything – something along the lines of “don’t give up everything for me, I don’t deserve it” – his dad opened the door, uncuffed him and locked the door behind him.

“Nate!”

Once again Miller turned around and immediately had Bryan pressed up against him hugging the life out of him, only this time he was able to hug back. It had been too long since he’d been able to hold his boyfriend. There was nothing in the world like the feel of having Bryan back in his arms. They stayed in their embrace for such a long time that Miller thought his time with Bryan might be over soon.

He was the first to break the embrace, standing back a bit just so he could look at Bryan and make sure he was really here. Bryan’s face was wet with tears but he was smiling and Miller thought he’d never seen something so beautiful.

When Miller imagined visitation rooms he thought he’d be in a large room with other prisoners and their visitors, instead he was in a small private room that even had a bed. He didn’t want to think about why there was a bed in here.

“I’m so sorry Bry. I should have listened to you, I should have stopped. Please forgive me.” Miller begged. He’d been feeling guilty this whole month but having Bryan in front of him made the guilt suffocating.

“There’s nothing to forgive you idiot. You’ll be out of here in a few months and after that I’m never letting you out of my sight.” Bryan smiled at him like everything was going to be alright. He wasn’t 16 yet, he didn’t know how their justice system worked, didn’t know how expendable a bunch of delinquents were. Of course he had hope; Miller had been protecting him from how harsh life on the Ark was for over a year now. He wasn’t about to crush his boyfriend’s hope by telling him there was a 99% chance he would be floated on his 18th birthday.

“Come on; tell me what I’ve missed. What are your crops like? How are things with your dad?” Miller distracted Bryan and led his boyfriend over to sit on the bed.

“Well, nothing I’ve planted has died yet so that’s always a plus. My mentor, Lypson, has been teaching me the most amazing stuff about the best ways to grow food in space, and uh, he’s also helped with dad. Medicinal herbs and letting me have first pick of the latest harvest. Dad still sucks but I’m okay, I promise.”

Miller smiled at his boyfriend as he held onto his hand. He trusted Bryan to not lie to him, especially when it came to his own safety, but he knew Bryan wasn’t telling him exactly how badly his dad was hurting him. Though, he is grateful that old man Lypson is trying to take care of Bryan in his absence. Miller just wishes it was him that was protecting Bryan; mostly he wishes he wasn’t stuck in the Sky Box. Impulsively he seals his lips over Bryan’s, savouring the feel and taste of his boyfriends lips. It’s been too long since he’s kissed Bryan and every touch feels like the first time. He could get drunk off this feeling.

For the next twenty minutes there is no need for words. They kiss, touch and hold onto each other content to just bask in each other’s presence.  Miller thinks he’s missed this the most, just lying down with Bryan snuggled up against him. It isn’t all about sex with them, never has been. Don’t get him wrong, Miller thinks his boyfriend is the hottest person he’s ever seen and everything about Bryan turns him on but he’s more than happy to just hold Bryan and be near him.

“Are you doing okay in here?” Bryan whispers, breaking their contented silence. Miller’s sure Bryan thinks prison is this violent and horrible thing and expects Miler to be traumatized but that isn’t the case at all.

“Yeah, I’m actually good, bored as hell though.” Miller laughs, rubbing Bryan’s back lazily needing to keep touching Bryan no matter what.

Honestly being in the Sky Box isn’t violent at all, it’s just a bunch of kids that got caught doing stupid stuff. He knows there are actually a few violent criminals there but they don’t cause any trouble. All the kids still have to attend classes but apart from that they sit around in their cells doing nothing. Miller’s never been so bored in all his life; not even Unity Day was this boring.

“My cellmate’s cool. Kid name Sterling, he’s been here 6weeks and apparently he snuck into the council room and wrote _‘Float Jaha’_ on the walls. He’s actually pretty funny, so it’s not so bad.”

Miller’s just glad he didn’t get paired with Dax. He’s heard the stories about how he beat a man to death and Miller wholeheartedly believes it. There’s just something about the guy that says he’s capable of murder. Not that he tells Bryan any of that.

“My dad told me if I don’t cause trouble in here then I can have visitation every 2 weeks instead of once a month,” Miller comments offhandedly.

He’s barely finished speaking when Bryan climbs into his lap and practically shoves his tongue in Miller’s mouth. Miller chuckles a little at his boyfriend’s enthusiasm but goes along with the kiss anyway.

Miller promises to be a freaking angel if it means he gets to have this every two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - Going to Earth.


	4. Descent Isn't Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miller is sent to Earth and how Bryan finds out about The 100.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's mention of sexual assault (not to either Miller or Bryan) but it isn't explicit, also a blink and you'll miss it panic attack.

Seven months and 23 days, that’s how long Miller has been stuck in Lockup. Seven months and 23 days full of boredom and trying to stay out of trouble. But his time is almost up.

Eight days left.

One week until his review, until his fate is decided, until he’s floated.

The past 23 days have been agonising for Miller. It felt like a countdown, every day he got closer to his death, every day he couldn’t help but think about everything he’s leaving behind.

In two days he’ll have his last visitation with Bryan, his chance to say goodbye. While he’s been in the Sky Box Bryan has come to realise that there’s a good chance Miller will be floated.  Try as he might Bryan can’t hold on to the hope that everything will be alright. Nathan doesn’t know how he’s going to do it, how he’s going to say goodbye to the love of his life.

He knows his dad will be the one to take him to his review, he’ll be the one to watch him get floated; and _Gods_ that will be hard. To look into the eyes of the man that protected him his whole life and let that be the last image he ever sees.

Miller hates the Ark, hates it with a passion. How could anyone justify killing teenagers just to save on resources? How could they kill kids for minor infractions? How has this become his life?

“Pacing the cell isn’t going to help you know?” Sterling said softly from where he’s lying on their bunk.

His cellmate knew why Miller was pacing, knew why Miller hadn’t spoken all day, and knew exactly what was in store for Miller in the coming week. Nothing would ease his nerves, and nothing could stop either man from thinking about Miller’s fate. Sterling still had 6 months in the Sky Box, 6 months left to live.

“Prisoners, move to the back wall.” The door to their cell opened and in walked two guards. This wasn’t normal; there was no reason for the guards to be there.

“Dad what’s going on?” Miller asked when he spotted his dad. He knew he sounded scared but he couldn’t control the fear coursing through his veins. It certainly didn’t help when his dad looked just as scared as he felt.

“Nate move back. Just stay calm,” his dad croaked, moving forward with silver wristbands in his hands.

_No._

“No, _no_! Dad I still have a week. They can’t do this, I got one more week. I have to see Bryan in two days. Dad, _please_!” Miller begged, all pretence of being strong abandoned in the face of what was about to happen.

They couldn’t do this to him, they couldn’t float him now. It was too soon. He hadn’t said goodbye to Bryan yet, he wouldn’t leave without getting to see Bryan one last time. This wasn’t right.

To his right he could see Sterling cowering in the corner as the other guard advanced on him, one of those wristbands in his hands. _No_. Sterling still had 6 months, there’s no way they could float him, not now, not yet.

His dad gripped his wrist and placed the silver bracelet around it. Miller looked at his dad with wide tear filled eyes, silently begging his father not to do this. Pulling him close his father hugged him and whispered in his ear.

“Nate, you’re not being floated. You kids are being sent to the ground. It has to be better than the death you’d face here. As long as you wear the wristband we’ll know you’re alive. You _stay_ alive! I’ll take care of Bryan, don’t worry about us. _Just stay alive, son_.”

They pulled back to look at each other. The ground, that was scarier than the idea of being floated. Despite his fears, he knew his dad was right. If it stayed on the Ark he’d be floated in a week. On the ground there’s a chance he’d get to live – even if he had to live without his dad or Bryan. He’d survive for them.

“May we meet again,” his dad vowed, tears gathering in his dark eyes.

“May we meet again,” Miller whispered.

Before he knew it Nathan was boarded on the Dropship with the rest of the hundred prisoners and Chancellor Jaha was basically telling them how expendable they were. Miller wanted to joke around with the rest of the teens, wanted to enjoy the fact he was free. But all he could think about was his dad and Bryan stuck on the Ark.

Miller wouldn’t call their landing smooth, more like crashing really. He felt the air knocked out of him and tried not to think about the kids that were out of their seats. The landing was brutal and he had his belt on, he didn’t want to think about how much worse it would have been for the others.

“Listen. No machine hum,” one of the prisoners said. Miller’s pretty sure the guy is Monty, a kid from Farm Station. One of the few Farm Station kids that was actually nice to Bryan. His boyfriend wasn’t exactly popular and even got picked on from time to time. Any kid that was nice to Bryan was someone Miller could respect.

Miller lingered in his seat for a moment while all the other kids rushed to the Dropship doors. He just needed a moment to collect himself. They made it to Earth, they were pardoned for their crimes, they were free.

_“I guess I think it’ll be better than up here because anything’s got to be better than being stuck on the Ark._ _It’d be nice to feel a breeze, to experience actual seasons or swim in a lake. But I also think it’ll be hard.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Well anything new and unknown is hard right?”_

A conversation from long ago springs to the forefront of his mind. Almost 2 years ago he sat looking out at Earth dreaming up what it could be like with the guy of his dreams. Now he was actually on Earth and all he could think about was getting back to Bryan.

When the Dropship door opened everyone was frozen. It was beautiful, Earth was beautiful. The air smelt sweet and all Miller could see was green. Green trees, grass, bushes, it was amazing. Miller got caught up with the rest of the hundred and raced out of the Dropship to explore the surrounding area. He laughed and ran his hands through everything, it was real, it was alive and it was beautiful.

With perfect clarity he could imagine what Bryan would be like if he was here. His boyfriend would be going crazy looking at all the plants, he’d be gushing about how they survived and even thrived through the radiation, and he’d be planning a list of things he couldn’t wait to start growing. Earth is where Bryan belongs but Miller’s glad he got here first. It’s his job to make sure everything is safe for Bryan. He’ll make this place liveable for when Bryan gets down here. That thought is the only thing keeping him going, the knowledge that the Chancellor wasn’t lying, that in 2 months the rest of the Ark will join the hundred on Earth. Miller just has to wait 2 months before he can be with Bryan again.

In the distance Miller spots a young face and blonde shaggy hair and can’t help but laugh out loud.

“Sterling!”

His old cellmate turns around and spots Miller, shooting him a grin before making his way over. Behind his friend is a young girl with braids running through her light hair. Miller’s not surprised Sterling is already making friends; the guy’s always been charismatic.

“Dude, we made it!” Sterling laughs as he pulls Miller into a quick hug. “This is Monroe, we grew up together in Factory Station. Did you find your friend yet?”

Miller nods towards Monroe who looks a little freaked out by everything, Miller can’t say he blames her, he himself is feeling incredibly overwhelmed. Nathan realises he’s been so captivated by the beauty of the forest that he hasn’t even thought about looking for anyone.

Almost three months ago he’d found out Harper had been arrested and locked up in the Sky Box. As much as he hated that his oldest friend was arrested he finds he’s relieved to have someone like her on the ground with him. When Harper first came to the Sky Box she was quiet and couldn’t stand anyone touching her. In fact she started to scream and fight the guards that tried to touch her. It had taken a few weeks but eventually Miller got her to open up and tell him what happened to her.

Apparently she had been in Arrow Station with Sven, an older guy she’d been hanging out with lately. Sven had wanted a lot more out of their friendship than Harper had and had forced himself on her. Miller had seen red when she told him that; he wanted to break out of the Sky Box just so he could find this cockroach and kill him for hurting his friend. Harper being Harper though was able to fight him off. She doesn’t look like much, skinny little thing that she is, but when pushed into a corner she’s scrappy and will fight like her life depends on it. Harper kicked, punched, scratched and even bit Sven, anything she could think of to keep him away from her. Eventually her screaming had drawn the attention of others. Unfortunately Sven was training to be in the guard and was one of those guys that everybody liked so no one argued when he told them Harper had a mental breakdown and attacked him. Instead of the attempted rapist being floated the innocent Harper got locked in the Sky Box.

Sexual assault was rare on the Ark but that didn’t mean it never happened. Miller knows for a fact that there are at least a handful of guys here charged with it, and over the years many adult males and females have been floated for it. Miller vows to keep those guys far away from Harper.

Before Miller can begin his search for Harper he hears his friend calling out his name.

“Miller!” Harper yells happily running up to hug him. Miller laughs lightly and hugs her back, glad that she safe and that they both survived.

The four of them stick together as they explore the surrounding woods. Miller thinks they could explore the whole planet and still find every little detail fascinating, this is a whole new world for them.

Before long they head back to the Dropship and start helping out around camp. Most of the kids are trying to set up tents and get fires going. Miller’s seen Bellamy, the older guy that snuck onto the Dropship for his sister, talking to random kids. He seems to either be trying to establish his leadership, order people into helping out, or talking to them about their wristbands. Miller’s out in the woods gathering fire when the man approaches him.

“You’re Miller, right?” Bellamy asks, leaning against a nearby tree and watching Miller work.

Miller stops working and focuses on the older guy. Wordlessly he nods, not wanting to speak yet. He’s wary of this guy and what his intentions may be; he doesn’t want their Earth leader to be anything like their Ark leader. Earth is supposed to be their new start, their clean slate.

“I’ve been going around camp asking people to take off the wristbands. We don’t owe the Ark anything; they’re the ones that sent you here to die. I have this whole speech to convince you but I have a feeling that won’t work with you.”

“You’d be right,” Miller replies after a moment of silence. He appreciates that Bellamy isn’t treating him like one of these naive kids. Bellamy is actually treating him with something akin to respect, but Miller wonders if this is another one of his tactics.

“What can I do to make you take it off?” Bellamy asks, raising his chin as if he actually something to offer Miller.

There are dozens of different ways Miller could tell Bellamy that he wants to keep the wristband on, he could pretend that he wasn’t relying on this remote signal being transmitted to the Ark. Instead of trying to play it cool and seem unaffected Miller decides to go with the truth.

“I’ve got someone up there that needs to know I’m alive. Don’t take that away from me, it’s all I’ve got left.” Miller’s incredibly grateful that his voice doesn’t crack. He’s felt a little unsteady since he set foot on Earth and with a bunch of kids from the Sky Box showing weakness isn’t an option.

Bellamy stands there silently studying Miller for a moment before pushing off the tree and walking right up to Miller with his hand outstretched. Miller looks from the hand to Bellamy’s face. After a moment’s hesitation he shakes the offered hand.

“Okay, I won’t make you take it off. I hope your someone is worth it.” With that Bellamy walks back to camp leaving Miller alone in the woods.

_He is._

~ ~ ~

For the past two days everyone’s been talking about a ship being ejected from the Ark. No one knows what it was or what happened and the council isn’t talking. Bryan hasn’t really been paying much attention to it, too focused on what happens later in the week.

When Nate first got arrested Bryan was so sure he’d get a pardon and be allowed to live on the Ark a free man. Now he can’t help but wish for that ignorance again. Nate tried hard not to let him know what happens to Sky Box prisoners but he couldn’t protect him from everything. Bryan remembers when he found out his boyfriend was more than likely going to be floated, he cried for days and couldn’t eat or sleep. It’s been harder to ignore the inevitable the past few days.

Today he gets to see Nate for one last time then in six days his boyfriend will probably be floated. If Bryan lets that thought in for more than a second he’d break down crying.  These past 8 months have been hard enough without Nate; he doesn’t want to have to imagine the rest of his life without him.

As he makes his way down to the Sky Box he can’t help but feel like he’s dying inside. This will be it, after today he’s never going to see Nate again. Won’t get to see his crooked smile, feel his rough hands on his skin or hear his soft husky voice. Nate was his first everything, first date, first kiss, first time, first love. He can’t imagine loving anyone else or ever moving past Nathan. Bryan’s only 16 but he was lucky enough to find the love of his life and now he’s going to be ripped away from him. Nate always used to tell him how unfair the world was; now he’s experiencing it for himself.

“I have a visitation with Nathan Miller,” Bryan softly says to the guards outside the Sky Box. He always feels like he’s done something wrong when he’s near guards and he’s terrified he’s going to be locked up if he says something wrong. That’s probably a good indicator of how messed up their justice system is.

“Prison Station is under quarantine due to a virus outbreak. No visitations today.” One of the guards says and it sounds like a rehearsed speech. Bryan stands there gaping at the man for a moment, letting the information sink in.

“But Nate’s up for review in a few days, this is my last chance to see him. _Please_!” Bryan begs, tears already welling up in his eyes. They can’t take this away from him, can’t deny him his goodbye. He doesn’t know if he could go on if he didn’t get to say goodbye to Nate.

“Sorry kid, quarantine means no one in or out. No one’s getting reviewed until the virus has cleared.”

Bryan tried to ease his breathing and stem the flow of tears. That has to be good right? No reviews until the virus is gone, that means Nathan will be alive for a little while longer. That is, as long as the virus isn’t something deadly.

_Oh Gods, he shouldn’t have thought that._

The guards at the door were looking at him sympathetically, though mostly they looked ready to call for a doctor. Bryan knew he looked like a mess and was well on his way to a panic attack. Reluctantly Bryan turned away from the Sky Box and slowly walked away. His mind was racing with a thousand possibilities, none of them good, and he was afraid he would crumble under the weight.

It felt like hours of mindlessly wandering the halls of the Ark – hoping that if he kept putting one food in front of the other that it would drown out his thoughts, it didn’t have much success though – when he found himself in Alpha Station standing outside the Miller quarters. Without thinking it through Bryan knocked on the door and waited for David to answer. He didn’t even know if Nate’s dad was home, he’d wait there all night if that’s what it took; he just needed someone to tell him that Nathan was safe.

After a few moments the door slid open and there stood David Miller, looking incredibly confused.

“Bryan? What’s going on? Are you okay?” the older man asked, stepping aside to let Bryan into his quarters. Bryan numbly shuffled forwards and collapsed on what used to be Nate’s bed. The sheets had stopped smelling like Nate months ago; Bryan used to sneak in here while David was working and just fall asleep with the scent of Nathan surrounding him. It was as comforting as it was heartbreaking.

“There’s a virus in the Sky Box, they won’t let me see him.“

It took a long time for Bryan to get the words out and when he did his voice was devoid of any emotion. He felt drained, run through, empty. It wasn’t just the thought of Nate being sick that was getting to him, it was the fact that the council might not let him say goodbye. With the little bit of energy Bryan had he sat up on the bed and turned to face his boyfriend’s father. What he saw on the older man’s face made him pause. David didn’t look surprised or concerned at the news, he looked conflicted.

“Do you know something? Is he okay?” Bryan demanded. Whatever it was, good or bad, he needed to know. The not knowing was the worst part, that way led to hope and hope was dangerous.

“Bryan...” David sighed, looking like he’d rather be doing anything other than having this conversation. That expression made Bryan panic, what could possibly be so bad? “Chancellor Jaha sent 100 inmates from Prison Station to Earth. There is no virus. Nathan’s on Earth.”

For several moments Bryan just started at the Chief Guard.

_Earth._

_Nathan’s on Earth._

Never in a million years would Bryan have ever thought that could be a possibility. It wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be; Earth wasn’t safe. Everyone knows that Earth needed another 100 years to be survivable again. _Oh no, no, no, no. Nate’s dead._

“Bryan!” Mr. Miller yelled suddenly and everything around him gained clarity. Bryan had been sobbing uncontrollably and from the way his chest hurt he’s pretty sure he was having trouble breathing. Of course, Bryan didn’t realise any of this was actually happening, all he could think about was that Nate was dead. Before he could space out again David grabbed his arms and shook him. “Listen to me! The kids are wearing wristbands that transmit all their medical data to the Ark. It’s been two days and Nathan’s still alive. Okay? He’s still alive. But you can’t tell anyone about Earth okay? Not yet.”

Honestly, who would Bryan even tell? No one on Farm Station really liked him, he didn’t exactly have friends. All he had was Nate.

Nate, who was on Earth about as far away as anyone could possibly be. But none of that mattered because he’s still alive.

“He’s alive.” Bryan murmurs, needing to say it out loud because if he says it then it’s really real. Being on Earth has got to be dangerous and he doesn’t know how long Nathan will actually stay alive but none of that matters.

He’s alive.

_He’s alive._

_He’s alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - Miller reminiscing about Bryan, all the fluff ahead.


	5. Remember Me, My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the longest long distance relationship ever Miller remembers happier times with Bryan to lessen the ache of their separation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: Bryan's dad is an abusive ass, because he is forever grieving his late wife. - it's not excuse just I guess the reason I think he's a jackass.   
> Warnings: mentions of child abuse, nothing too graphic just the idea and some bruising. Also an implication of sexual activities between a 15yr old and 16yr old.

So Earth isn’t the paradise they all thought it was, Miller can’t say he’s surprised. Life was hard on the Ark, why should life on Earth be any different? Of course, on the Ark they didn’t have to deal with Grounders that wanted to kill them.

But one of the things Miller likes most about being on Earth is what he’s doing right now. Lying on the grass outside and staring up at the cloudless sky searching the stars has become one of Miller’s favourite pastimes. It’s not productive in the least but he enjoys it; enjoys the peace and quiet and looking at stars he’s seen his entire life but from a whole new angle, a whole new point of view. Now, he isn’t looking at the stars for their relative position in space he’s looking at them and marvelling at how far away those stars are. In space everything seemed closer but now he’s cut off from everything he’s ever known and can’t help but find the sight fascinating.

Apart from their beauty Miller also looks towards the stars in hopes of figuring out where in all that space the Ark would be. It’s harder than he thought it would be as everything looks different on Earth. Focusing on one particular part of space Miller thinks the Ark might be in this section. It’s not like they can see the Ark from Earth but knowing it’s still up there gives some of the delinquents hope. For Miller, it’s the most comforting thing he’s felt since being dropped to Earth.

He focuses on that point in space and thinks about his sweet Bryan. Logically Miller knows there’s a huge possibility that he’s never going to see his boyfriend ever again but Miller desperately holds onto the smallest of hope that they will see each other again. He thinks about Bryan’s smile, the way it could make Miller’s knees weak and his heart sing. He remembers the boy’s floppy brown hair, how it would always look wild and untameable, like he’d been rolling around for hours. Miller thinks of Bryan every day so there’s no chance of ever forgetting his face or the way he felt in Miller’s arms.

One of the most prominent memories Miller has is that very first time Bryan told him he loved him. It’s something Miller will never forget, the overwhelming joy he felt hearing those words spill from his boyfriends lips.

They had been dating for about 3 months and Miller had finally worked up enough courage to tell Bryan about his extracurricular activities. Sitting on Miller’s bed facing each other with their hands clasped together in front of them Miller had found it hard to meet Bryan’s kind eyes.

“I have something to tell you and you probably won’t like it but I don’t want to keep secrets from you.” Miller had started, caught up in looking at their hands amazed at the feel of Bryan’s hands in his. “Um, I, I’m a thief. I steal a lot of things. Mostly things I need like clothes and food, but sometimes I steal things for other people. Nothing bad or anything and I don’t steal from people that are worse off than me, but, you know, I’m good at it. Really good.”

It had been one of the hardest things Miller had ever had to say, he couldn’t even imagine how worse it would be to tell his father. Everything was silent after his confession so Miller dared to look up at his boyfriend to gauge his reaction. Bryan didn’t look disgusted or disappointed which was a relief but it’s not like Bryan looked particularly happy either. Though, what kind of person would be happy to hear their boyfriend is a criminal? Hesitantly Miller ran his thumb across the back of Bryan’s hand trying to get his boyfriend to say something, _anything_. He knew how much of a thinker Bryan was and it was always something he liked about the younger boy but at this moment it was torture.

Finally after nearly three minutes of silence Bryan finally processed Miller’s confession and found the words he wished to say.

“You may be a thief, but you’re my thief, and I love you all the same.”

Then he’d smiled that brilliantly bright smile of his and Miller felt like he’d melted into a puddle of goo. Of course, he’d returned the sentiment; he’d been in love with Bryan from the moment he first saw him on Unity Day but he’d been waiting for the right time to say it. Miller can’t remember a time when he’d smiled as big as he did that day, so overwhelmed with happiness as he was. He’d rushed forward and firmly kissed his boyfriend, in between the smiles and giggles that slipped through.

It was a good day, a good memory.

Most of his memories of Bryan are happy ones, they haven’t really had any big fights just the occasional argument, but there is one that’s less than happy.

It wasn’t very long after their first _‘I love you’_ when Bryan had come to Miller’s quarters with a confession of his own to make. When Miller had opened his door Bryan was standing there near breathless and clutching his left side. As soon as Bryan had seen Miller he had burst into terrified tears and collapsed into his boyfriend’s arms. Miller had been so shocked by the action that he acted on instinct, holding Bryan close and shuffling the smaller boy onto his bed. He’d sat there cradling Bryan and rubbing his arms up and down his back trying to soothe him. Bryan wasn’t really the type to cry, he was so much stronger than anyone gave him credit for and had a great ability to hide his pain. Apparently, this was too much pain to try and conceal.

It took such a long time for Bryan to calm down that Miller considered taking him to Medical; worried Bryan was having some kind of breakdown. When Bryan finally calmed enough to lift his head and look at Miller the older boy’s heart broke at the sight. Bryan’s face was red and blotchy, drenched in tears; he looked so broken that Miller nearly started crying at the sight.

“Bry? What’s going on, sweetheart?” Miller had whispered. Neither teen was the type to use cutesy nicknames but on occasion one would slip out. At this moment, Miller thought he was justified in calling his precious boyfriend sweetheart.

“You don’t want secrets and neither do I, so I have something to tell you.” It had taken a few goes but eventually Bryan croaked out what he needed to say. As hard as it was to hear Bryan talking in such a fearful tone Miller was wondering how much harder this conversation was going to get. Miller couldn’t do anything other than nod, worried if he spoke he’d break whatever courage Bryan had.

Reluctantly, Bryan pulled away from Miller’s embrace and stood. Miller felt cold without Bryan’s warmth beside him and wondered if Bryan was simply going to leave instead of talk. Before Miller could question, Bryan lifted the hem of his shirt.

_Well, this isn’t where I thought this conversation was going,_ Miller thought, before he could register just what Bryan was showing him.

_Purple_. Everything was purple.

All up and down Bryan’s left side was covered in deep purple bruises. They covered so much of his skin there was hardly and untouched flesh left. On the sections that weren’t marred purple they were that green-yellow of old faded bruises. Bryan’s body was littered in bruises.

Miller’s brain had short circuited, stuck on the image in front of him. He didn’t know what to think, what to feel, how to react, _nothing_. All he could see was bruises. Bruises on his sweet innocent boyfriend who had never done anything wrong, who didn’t deserve such pain.

“I’m not looking for pity or a knight in shining armour or anything. I just wanted you to know that this happens sometimes. It hurts and it really sucks but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m not telling you this so you can save me, okay?”

Miller felt a new respect and absolute love for his boyfriend then. Bryan was completely covered in old and new bruises, he was still slowly crying and looked so small and broken, but his voice was strong and his words clear. His boyfriend was the strongest person Miller had ever met and he couldn’t help fall a little more in love.

“Who?” Miller managed to whisper, his eyes never leaving his boyfriends torso. This was probably the first time Miller ever saw Bryan without a shirt but it was in no way sexual. Sure, they’d fooled around a little before – intense make out sessions with lots of heavy petting and grinding – and more than once Miller has run his hand under Bryan’s shirt but they’d never taken it any further. Guess this explains why Bryan has never been shirtless around him before.

“Remember that there’s nothing you can do and nothing I _want_ you to do, okay? I don’t need to be saved, I just need you with me,” Bryan had implored before blurting out, “It’s my dad.”

Miller’s mind had gone off line for a moment before coming back with a vengeance. All he could think about was beating the hell out of the man that dared to touch his boyfriend. He wanted to race out of there and find that sorry excuse for a father and give him twice as many bruises as he’d given Bryan. He could think of nothing else.

Bryan knelt in front of him, bracketed by his knees, and began running his hands up and down Miller’s tense arms. All the while he was murmuring soft calming words to pull Miller out of his blinding rage. He’d never felt anger like that before and hadn’t felt anything like it again until he’d come to Earth and lost kids he was trying to protect.

Eventually Miller had calmed enough to actually listen to Bryan and push past the impulses telling him to find that horrible man. Bryan had pushed Miller back onto the bed and shuffled around to lie next to him on his uninjured side, and then he explained everything. Miller kept Bryan in his arms and focused on his boyfriend’s strong voice as he was told the whole story.

Apparently this kind of violence had been going on for years, ever since Bryan’s mother died. Losing someone you love is never easy but Bryan’s dad took it heavily. The man began drinking almost as soon as she’d died and basically hasn’t stopped. Sometimes he’ll use their food credit to buy more alcohol and he’ll drink so much that he passes out. Most of the time the man ignores his son completely and Bryan said this was a good day. The bad days happened a couple times a month at most and always left him with angry bruises and the occasion sprain. He said his worst injury was a broken arm once, along with a few cracked ribs. Of course, when he had to go to Medical to get a cast put on his arm he didn’t tell the doctors how he really broke it, giving some excuse of falling in Factory Station. The strangest thing throughout their whole conversation was how calm Bryan was talking about every horrible thing that happened to him. He left out no detail, no matter how painful, and yet he remained as strong as ever.

Bryan had made Miller promise not to tell his father, the Chief Guard, and reluctantly Miller had agreed. Although he said if Bryan ever landed in Medical again then Miller would tell his dad everything, which surprisingly Bryan conceded to.

By the time Miller’s dad had gotten back from his shift both boys were fast asleep in each other’s arms. Instead of waking them up to send Bryan home, David Miller had thrown a blanket over the two and let them be. It was the first time they had shared a bed, the first time they had woken up together.

It was the best morning of Miller’s life when he woke up to Bryan snuggled into his chest. He’s not ashamed to say he lay there for 30 minutes just staring at Bryan’s angelic face before his boyfriend woke up.

Despite how the evening began the following morning turned out pretty great.

There is one last memory forcing its way into the front of Miller’s mind no matter how hard he tries to push it back. It’s not like it’s a bad memory, far from it, it’s just Miller knows exactly what will happen if he lets himself think about it.

Surprisingly there is even less privacy on Earth than there is on the Ark, which Miller didn’t think was humanly possible. So there are some things that are just really inconvenient on Earth.

It was easy to sneak around on the Ark, easy to find time alone and not worry about being caught. Neither Bryan nor Miller hid their relationship but they were private people so not a lot of people actually knew about them. It was just after Bryan’s 15th birthday when they’d finally found some of that precious alone time and things had heated up pretty quickly.

 They hadn’t had sex yet and it wasn’t really a pressing issue. Even though Miller was older and had more experience – he’s fooled around with a few guys, both given and received hand jobs and oral sex – he is still a virgin. He’s always thought that the first time you have sex should be important and with someone you actually care about, it’s a bit old fashioned but it’s important to him. He wants to have sex with Bryan but isn’t pushing it. Sex has never been the main point in their relationship, just being close to each other is more than enough for either of them. Miller was fairly confident that he was ready for sex but he knew Bryan wasn’t; he’d happily wait years and years for Bryan to be ready.

In the weeks since turning 15 Bryan had gotten more desperate when they were making out. It drove Miller crazy how Bryan would squirm and grind on his lap, near panting and red swollen lips glistening.

They had just stumbled into an old storage room where Bryan had pushed Miller against the wall and practically devoured his mouth. He was all tongue and teeth, pulling and pushing, hands scrabbling for any touch of skin. Miller was delirious with pleasure, having never seen Bryan this needy, and couldn’t help but pull Bryan’s hips towards him to grind his hardening cock against Bryan’s equally hard member. Groaning, Miller kissed Bryan again, knowing full well he could get off just from having Bryan grinding against him.

Apparently Bryan had different ideas that day.

Miller felt those slim fingers tugging on the loops of his jeans before they reached for the button. He was too occupied with running his tongue on the roof of Bryan’s mouth to realise what was happening. Before he could register anything Bryan had reached into his pants and had a hand around his cock. Miller nearly chocked.

They hadn’t done anything like this before and the feel of Bryan’s hand on his cock nearly made him come. He looked up to ask Bryan what was happening when he saw Bryan smirking. Oh gods, Bryan smirking made Miller shiver every time. This time was no different as he shivered and moaned when Bryan worked his hand up and down Miller’s cock. Miller had reached into Bryan’s pants in return – with a quick look to make sure it was okay with Bryan – and grabbed onto Bryan’s ass. That boy’s ass was heavenly and Miller had spent plenty of time watching Bryan bent over the crops on Farm Station. He squeezed the globes in his hands and was rewarded with Bryan whimpering. The sounds Bryan made when they were together were intoxicating.

It didn’t take long for Miller come, not with the way his boyfriend was stroking him, the noises he was making, and the amazing ass in his hands. His orgasm was intense just from how turned on he was and it took him a few minutes to settle his breathing. Opening his eyes Miller looked at his boyfriend who looked surprised but pleased that he was able to pleasure Miller that much.

“Now, it’s my turn,” Miller had chuckled before spinning them around so Bryan was pushed against the wall.

While looking Bryan in the eyes Miller seamlessly knelt before him. Bryan’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head when he realised exactly what Miller planned to do. No matter how much Miller wanted to taste his boyfriend he waited to make sure Bryan was okay with this. Not that he had to worry about that when Bryan nodded vigorously when he realised why Miller was waiting. With a near feral smile Miller tugged down Bryan’s pants and set to work.

Nearby someone laughed loudly and everything around him came back into focus. He wasn’t on the Ark in a secluded storage room with Bryan; he was stuck on Earth with nearly 100 delinquents around him. Miller sat up, tearing his eyes away from the star filled sky, and was about to stand up when his body reminded him why Earth had no privacy.

He had a boner.

Miller couldn’t help it, he laughed at himself. He knew what thinking about that last memory would do to him but he did it anyways. His boyfriend was super hot, what could he say? So Miller sat there willing his erection to go down and trying desperately not to think about how that previous memory ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG how do people write smut?!!? That little tiny barely that sexual bit was so freaking awkward to write! I'm still cringing! I commend everyone who has ever written smut, you are great and amazing writers keep up the good work! 
> 
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - Miller fights Bellamy. Bryan's reaction to Section 17.


	6. Everything Is Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Section 17 debacle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for death I guess? lots of it. But none of it's graphic at all, just mentioned. It's Section 17 for crying out loud. And very briefly hinted at suicidal thoughts, and another blink and you'll miss it panic attack.   
> Just trying to cover all my bases here.

When Raven’s pod fell from the sky there was an instantaneous excitement that swept through camp, but once that initial joy passed there was a quiet tension around the Dropship. The teenagers here were all criminals, they’ve been screwed over by the government before, there was no guarantee they would get their pardons.

Then there was the other thought that no one wanted to think about too closely. _Why was it such a small ship?_ It wasn’t big enough for reinforcements or enough supplies to go around. Nothing would save them now.

The younger ones in the group all clung to the hope that the pod meant the Ark was coming and they’d all be safe soon. No one was going to tell them differently.

The biggest difference between life on the Ark and surviving on the ground was here on Earth no secrets were kept. If shit was doing down then everyone was going to hear about it, whether they wanted to or not. So when Bellamy, Clarke, Finn and Raven arrived at camp to tell them 300 people were about to be killed on the Ark to save air the whole camp knew about it. Everyone here knew it was going to be their people, the workers, who would be killed and everyone silently grieved for their soon to be deceased friends.

Everything on the ground was hopeless, just as hopeless as it had been trapped in the Sky Box. Would there be no escape from this endless cycle?

After hearing that Bellamy threw the radio away Miller had seen red. He’d rushed up to Bellamy and shoved his shoulder into the man’s chest.

“If he dies because of you, I’ll kill you myself,” he’d whispered his threat right into Bellamy’s ear before storming off towards the river.

As they all went to search the river for the missing radio Miller had never felt so angry. If Bellamy hadn’t thrown away the radio then 300 of their people could be saved. Bryan could be saved. Miller held onto his anger because it kept the sorrow and utter terror at bay. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of Bryan being killed. He couldn’t.

When the radio was found and it was confirmed that there would be no contact with the Ark Miller had to turn away from Bellamy and focus on breathing evenly, lest he punch Bellamy right across the face. In his current mood he wouldn’t stop at just one punch. He’d keep going until he heard bones snap, until blood saturated the ground, and until Bellamy Blake could breathe no longer. It was a terrifying thought.

The Ark may not have sent down supplies but they did send a genius in the tiny form of mechanic Raven Reyes.

If we couldn’t talk to the Ark then why not build huge flares that could be seen from space?

It was such a mad rush trying to get everything working and set up properly but when those flares went off it was such an amazing feeling. They had done it. Everyone laughed and cheered and watched the night sky light up.

It was a party, everyone wanted to celebrate. Sterling shook Miller’s shoulder as he was jumping up and down, Monroe was even smiling and laughing, and Harper had this look of wonder on her face as she watched the flares. Miller shook his head at his friends but he smiled right along with them. In this very moment life was good.

But this is Earth, nothing ever stays good for very long.

It looked like a meteor shower, something they’d seen from space all their lives. It looked beautiful from all the way down here on Earth.

But it wasn’t a meteor shower, it was a mass funeral.

They never saw their flares.

The bodies of over 300 of their people were being floated into space.

_300 people were dead._

~ ~ ~

The announcement from Abby and Jake Griffin came as a shock to everyone. The Ark was dying, we were running out of air and there was nothing we would do to fix it. We were all going to die up here in space. More than that though was the plan to sacrifice 300 people to save on oxygen.

Bryan didn’t know what to think, too shocked to even move. He stood in the hallways of Farm Station unsure what he was meant to do. What are you supposed to do when you’ve just been told you and everyone you’ve ever known will die in a matter of months?

His boyfriend was already sent to Earth – as far away from the Ark as he could possible get – his father was a mean drunk and there was no love lost between them. The only people Bryan had left were his mentor Lypson and Nate’s dad David. They would be dead soon too.

Everyone would be dead and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. As if life on the Ark needed to get any more depressing.

“Well, that’s that then,” Lypson mumbled beside him. The older man clapped his hands together to garner the attention of the other workers all stunned by the announcement. “I know this is a horrible time and we’re all shocked by this but we must go on. There are still crops to tend to and plants to care for. Everything we do helps extend the life of the human race. Back to work everyone!”

Slowly the rest of the farm workers ambled back to their fields, though Bryan suspected some of them went to be with their families. He doesn’t blame them; if he had a family he loved he’d want to be with them too. Lypson laid a heavy hand on Bryan’s shoulder and looked at him with saddened eyes.

“You’ll be alright Bryan. Don’t you worry; I’ll make sure of it.” With a squeeze to his shoulder Lypson left the crops and Bryan went back to tending to his pumpkins.

He didn’t see Lypson until later that night. He’d heard about the amazingly selfless people giving their lives to save their families and Bryan was astounded by the kindness of humanity. There was a time when he thought no one could care about anyone else that much, but then he met Nathan and a whole new way of living was introduced to him.

Bryan knows it’s almost time, the darkest day in current history is about to take place. In a few moments over 300 people will willingly give up their lives so the rest of humanity can breathe for a little while longer. Try as he might Bryan can’t stop thinking about all those innocent people floating into space. It’s not fair, none of this is fair.

“Bryan.”

Turning at the sound of his name Bryan is immediately suspicious to find Lypson and David walking towards him. He feels like a little kid being caught doing something his parents told him specifically not to do. Though Lypson and David are more like fathers to him than the one he was saddled with at birth they’ve never had to punish him before, and he doubts they’re about to start now. David looks as strong and stable as always but Bryan’s gotten to know his mannerism over the years. He knows that soldier front hides his sorrow. It’s the stance of a man doing his duty whether he agrees with it or not.

Instantly Bryan worries. His stomach feels like it’s fallen right through his body and been sucked out into space. Did something happen to Nathan? Did they finally hear from the ground? Or is he being sent to Section 17? Is he about to die with 300 of his people?

His mouth falls open as his mind spins through every worst possible scenario he can imagine, but when he looks at Lypson hoping for answers everything in him stops. He’s about to get his answer and he’s not going to like it. Mind screeching to a halt at the haunted look on Lypson’s face Bryan can’t work up the energy to speak.

Please, no.

Not this.

“You’re smart enough to know what I’m going to say,” Lypson places his hands on Bryan’s shoulders crouching down slightly so they are at eyelevel. His grey eyes are wet with unshed tears and his withered smile has a tremble to it. “I want you to remember everything I taught you and remember not to overwater your tomatoes.”

_“No,”_ Bryan whispers, tears flowing from his bloodshot eyes without his permission. He’s barely aware that he’s spoken at all but his choked whisper sets off Lypson’s own tears.

“I’m sorry Bryan, I’m so sorry to leave you, but I have to do this. You and the other workers can live longer if I give up my air and I’m okay with that.”

“Please don’t leave me,” Bryan’s near sobbing now. Just because he’s 16 years old now doesn’t mean he has to act like the tough guy. Being more emotional by nature Bryan feels no shame in crying as he says goodbye to his mentor.

“I’ve talked to David, he’s going to look after you for me. I want you to know that you have been like a son to me and I want to thank you for that. Don’t be too sad okay? I’m going to be okay and _so are you,”_ Lypson speaks with such conviction Bryan is nodding before he realises he’s doing so. With a watery smile Lypson pulls Bryan into a hug and whispers in his ear, “I love you, son.”

Bryan sobs harder and clings to Lypson’s work jacket. He breathes in the man’s scent of fresh dirt, trying to remember every detail of this moment. He memorises the scratch of stubble against his forehead, the rough worker hands buried in his hair, the creak of a life of hard labour on old bones and the feel of safety in these weary arms. This is how he will remember Lypson, as a great man who cared about his workers more than he cared about himself. A man he looked up to, who taught him everything he knows about gardening, who became a father to him. Burying his face in the man’s chest he tries to get a handle on his emotions and tries to be strong for Lypson.

“I love you too,” he whispers before reluctantly pulling back and trying to smile at his mentor. It comes out as more of a grimace but it’s the best he can muster right now.

With that Lypson shakes David’s hand and walks down the hallway towards Section 17. David places a firm hand on Bryan’s shoulder whether for support or to keep him in place Bryan doesn’t know but he’s thankful for it all the same.

That was the last time Bryan ever saw Lypson.

~ ~ ~

Harper and Miller had stayed behind while most of the teenagers went searching for Octavia. They both wanted to help find her but Miller couldn’t be around a Blake right now. He was grieving and Harper was there to make sure he didn’t hurt anyone else or himself.

Both were a real possibility.

“Your dad would have protected him, you know he would have,” Harper reasoned, not for the first time.

Logically he knows she’s right. There is no way in hell his dad would have let Bryan be one of the 300 people floated. But there was that pesky voice in his mind repeating one question that kept swirling around in his mind like a poison seeping through his veins.

_What if?_

_What if?_

_What if?_

Those two words would be the death of him.

When everyone returned to camp Sterling and Monroe made their way to where Harper and he were seated by a fire. The blonde pair looked so haunted and distressed that it shook Miller out of his haze.

They had lost John, Diggs, and Roma. Now Finn was dying.

Why do they keep losing people? Is this how life is now, one grave after another?

As a storm rolls in Miller makes his way to the wall for his turn on guard duty. Mostly though, it’s so he can be alone with his thoughts, and find a way to process everything that’s happened in the last 24 hours.

Watching the surrounding trees puts his mind into a sort of trance and he loses all sense of time. It could have been minutes or hours since he took his post. Time doesn’t matter anymore, nothing really matters anymore.

Over 300 people are dead and Bryan could be one of them.

His chin wobbled and his eyes stung though he forced the tears to stay behind his eyes. He would not let them fall, he would not lose control. He couldn’t help it, he couldn’t help anyone. He didn’t realise he couldn’t breathe at first, it came as a burning in his throat, a tightness in his chest. This overwhelming sadness enveloped him and there was nothing he could do stop it from devouring him. Everything hurt, deep inside his chest down to his very soul, _gods it hurt_. There was this crushing weight bearing down on him, a heaviness he couldn’t escape. He wanted to cry, to scream, to rage and shout down the sky but he had to be silent. Forcing yourself not to break down in fear of being heard is soul crushing. Miller’s never felt so utterly alone before.

Behind him a twig snapped and he could hear heavy footsteps. Desperately Miller sucked in a much needed breath and tried to force his emotions back behind the wall in his mind. Showing weakness on Earth just wasn’t an option.

Wordlessly Bellamy sat down next to him on the log he was perched on.

“Your shift’s been over for almost an hour now,” the older man commented, but said nothing further. It amazed Miller that over the past week he and Bellamy had actually become friends, despite the rocky ground they’ve been on today. Miller likes to think they shared the same quiet strength. Bellamy is in no ways a perfect leader but Miller respects the guy’s need to protect his people and the man sure knows how to make a compelling speech.

In his time on the wall he’s gotten past his searing anger towards Bellamy, now all he feels is an all-consuming emptiness.

The two of them sat in silence for a long time as Miller was trying to get a hold of his swirling emotions. His doubts kept sneaking in but he ferociously ignored them.

“When we got here you said you had someone that needed to know you were alive and now you’re worried he’s dead. Who is he?” Bellamy asked after several long minutes of watching the torrential clouds roll in.

Miller’s always been a private guy and coming to Earth hasn’t changed that. The only people here that know about Bryan are Harper and Sterling. Though, Miller’s pretty sure Sterling told Monroe. That guy isn’t the best at keeping secrets.

As much as Miller is a private person and thinks everyone should mind their own damn business he finds himself speaking without meaning to.

“His name is Bryan, works in the crops and he’s the love of my fucking life. I thought my life was pretty great but then I met him and it’s like everything got brighter,” Miller realises he’s babbling but now that he’s started he can’t stop. It’s been too long since he’s talked about Bryan. “He’s a spitfire that’s for sure but he’s always so innocent that you never know which way is up. When we first got together he always made such a big deal about being 14 and a _half,_ because there was a huge difference between 14 and 15.”

Miller chuckles at the memory of a scrawny Bryan standing his ground about something so juvenile. Nathan wishes for times as simple as those.

“He’s kind and he loves to laugh… He likes the simple things you know? Like just being in the same room was enough, we didn’t have to go on fancy dates all the time or find ways to entertain ourselves, we could just _be_. It was amazing, _he’s amazing_. Best two years of my life that’s for sure.”

“I’m sure he’s alive, man,” Bellamy smiles slightly. Well, it’s more like he stops frowning. The only time the older boy smiles is around his sister.

“What makes you so sure?” This is one of those times where Miller could really use one of Bellamy’s motivational speeches.

“Because anyone that could put up with you for so long is a survivor,” the older boy jokes and actually manages something resembling a laugh. Weak as it may be it does the trick, the mood is significantly lighter and Miller feels a little less like he’s sinking.

They head inside the Dropship as the storm increases its ferocity. The dark clouds don’t feel as oppressive as they once did.

Bryan is alive, he has to be. Thinking anything else is unacceptable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone notice I am no gardener?   
> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Up - Miller and Bryan finally get to talk to each other again!


	7. Long Lost Radio Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miller is spiraling deep into the depths of depression but when he gets the chance to use the radio and speak to the Ark it's like he suddenly remembers what it is to hope.   
> He's found his light at the end of the tunnel and he's not letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for self harm tendencies (btw self harm isn't just cutting, it's anything that you do purposely to cause harm to yourself. In this case Miller punches things until he can't feel his hand any longer.)

When Bellamy walks up to you with a near murderous expression it’s best to just shut up and listen. Miller knew instinctually that Bellamy wasn’t a violent kind of guy, but Earth changed people and rarely for the better. Bellamy does whatever he has to do to keep us all alive, it’s commendable.

Today apparently that hard Earth choice is beating up a Grounder and bringing him back to camp.

“What do you say to getting your anger out on something more than a tree?” Bellamy had asked with a shine to his eyes like he knew exactly what Miller would say. He’d be right about that too.

“Let’s do it,” Miller had smirked and followed Bellamy blindly into the forest. In a weird twist of fate it seemed that ever since Miller told Bellamy about Bryan the older outcast had just as much respect for him as he had for Bellamy. He’s now unofficially become Bellamy Blake’s right hand man. Being in a position of power was something he’d never thought he’d become, but here he is now and in a sick sort of way he really likes it.

He especially likes it because now he gets beat a Grounder unconscious.

His mind hasn’t stopped spinning since they first saw the mass funeral in the sky. He circles from anger and sadness to full blown rage and devastation. Nothing makes sense for him anymore, he doesn’t know what to think, and everything is a confusing puddle of swirling emotions that he doesn’t know how to handle. At moments when the rage takes over he’s taken to punching a tree, repeatedly with as much force as possible. His knuckles are a constant purpling red and so swollen that moving his fingers has begun to hurt, but none of that matters. All that matters is the pain coursing through his arm every time his fist makes contact with the bark of the tree. Any physical pain it causes is immeasurably better than the emotional pain he’s dealing with. Or, _not_ dealing with, as it were.

He thinks Bellamy understands at least a little of what he’s going through. Maybe not to the same degree but Bellamy is dealing with the notion of 300 people being floated because he threw the radio in the river. It’s a lot to deal with, more than Miller himself would be able to handle, but strangely their shared pain has brought them closer together.

So the opportunity to beat a Grounder, someone who has killed his friends and would gladly kill again, is like a birthday present come early.

Bellamy starts in on the fight, beating the Grounder until he’s on his knees and his face is a bloody and bruised mess. Once Bellamy takes a step back to breathe Miller is instantly on the Grounder. He gets in a few punches to the guy’s face before that just isn’t enough. With his aching and throbbing hand Miller takes to launching his foot into the Grounder’s gut. The grunted and coughing from the Grounder is nice, but Miller wants more, needs more.

Again and again he kicks, over and over, until his leg begins to ache from the repetitive movement. By the time he lets up the Grounder is crumpled on the floor and coughing up blood. That hacking noise is music to Miller’s ears; finally someone is in more pain that he is. With one last powerful punch in the face from Bellamy the Grounder goes down, whether unconscious or just too tired to move Miller doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter. Together they tie his hands behind his back and remove his copious amount of hidden weapons.

When they had the Grounder tied up in the Dropship no one thought about how far things would go, but then Finn got worse and they needed answers before they lost yet another one of their people.

This wasn’t the moment Miller knew that Earth had changed him; this was the moment he no longer cared.

With no emotion whatsoever he watched as Bellamy swung a belt at the Grounder over and over again. When that didn’t work they took to impaling a pipe through his hand. Not once did the Grounder make a noise and he never flinched, it was wholly unsatisfying.

It was only when Raven came barrelling in like the raging storm outside that the Grounder made his first noise. It was a whimper. He was terrified and you could see it in his wide eyes and in the way he kept backing away from the sparking wires.

That was the moment Miller wondered if they’d gone too far. This was still another human being – if a little more feral than they were – and they were causing him immense pain. How were they any better than the Grounders? Whatever sick sense of joy he had felt instantly vanished and left his mouth tasting like ash.

In the end they got the information they needed, but at what cost?

“Now that we got the radio connected to the Ark I need to ask you for a favour,” Bellamy had asked the next morning after a sleepless night of worrying and thinking, “I need you to tell the parents of the kids we lost what happened. I… I can’t do it.”

Miller had sucked up his discomfort and walked into the radio tent. There was no way to mentally prepare yourself to tell a parent their only child had been murdered. At least he didn’t have to tell Chancellor Jaha about what happened to Wells. No parent wants to know they are the reason their kid is dead. Miller wouldn’t be able to handle that conversation.

Another conversation he was glad he didn’t have to have was anything to do with Charlotte. One of the few times he’s glad not everyone here has parents. How do you tell someone their kid killed the Chancellor’s kid just because they looked similar and then threw herself off a cliff?

No wonder Bellamy couldn’t do this. By the time Miller got to Atom’s parents he was finding it difficult to keep his emotions in check.

“It was an accident, they died during the crash. I didn’t know them well but they funny and made everyone laugh during the decent. They didn’t suffer, it was very quick.”

“There is this acid fog that sweeps through the forest sometimes and they were caught in it during our first couple days. I am so sorry for your loss.”

“They were out looking for one of our own but they were ambushed by Grounders. I am so sorry but they didn’t make it. They were well liked around camp and they were really brave, I’m glad I got to know them and you should be proud.”

Each parent’s face was worse than the last. Each time he apologized it got harder to say without choking. Each time the call ended Miller just wanted to curl in a ball and cry.

Just when Miller knew he couldn’t take anymore Councillor Kane informed him that Roma’s parents couldn’t be here right now and he’d have to talk to them in a few hours. Miller barely let the moment pass before he sprung out of the tent and raced to an isolated area where he promptly threw up.

He just needed a minute to come to terms with everything. A minute to wash his memory of all their tear stained faces once they realised they would never see their child again. Miller’s helped bury some of these kids, dug their graves and loaded in the body, but even that wasn’t as painful as talking to the parents.

When the ground felt a little more stable under his feet Miller went to report to Bellamy. Seeing that Grounder and knowing he’s actively tried to kill their people made Miller want another chance at kicking the shit out of him. He deserves a lot worse than that after Miller’s had to tell the parents their child is dead, murdered for no good reason.

“Telling all these parents that their kids were murdered by Grounders, I just wish I could say we’re getting some justice,” he glares at the Grounder wishing he could understand what Miller was saying. He’s probably never had to look a mother in her eyes and tell her that her beloved son was murdered and watch as the hope left her face and was replaced by overwhelming pain.  

“We’re not killing him,” Bellamy states again, something he’s already told Miller a few times, but each time it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself as much as Miller.

It wasn’t anger that made Miller’s feet step towards the Grounder prisoner, it was pain and sadness. He was too overwhelmed to do anything to stop himself.

“You were a lot scarier with that face paint on,” he sneers to the Grounder before slapping mud all over his face. Miller wasn’t an idiot just because he was a thief; he knew exactly what would happen if he insulted the Grounder the way he did. In saying that he really should have expected the pain a head butt could cause. Instead he lay writhing on the ground for a moment, hand covering his bleeding nose. Miller strode out of the holding area with more dignity than someone in his position should have. Unlike others he enjoyed the physical pain and what easier way to get it than to provoke an angry Grounder.

By the time he has to talk to Roma’s parents his nose has long since stopped bleeding and he’s back to feeling miserable. This conversation is just as hard as every other one had been and by the time it’s over Miller is exhausted. All he wants to do is go lay in his tent and wait until it’s his turn to talk to his dad. Once all the formalities have been done the kids are allowed to talk to their parents or loved ones and Miller willingly said he’d go last. There were kids here, young kids that needed to see their parents, people who were worse off than he was. He could wait… or so he thought. Now he wishes he didn’t make the selfless choice because all he can think about is seeing his dad’s face and the worry that maybe Bryan didn’t survive.

“That’s the last one. Tell me whose next and I’ll send them in,” he mumbles to Councillor Kane after the horrible talk with Roma’s parents.

“I want to thank you for doing all that, I know it’s not easy but you handled it very well. I think you’ve more than earned your chance to see your two visitors now Nathan,” Kane motions to someone off screen before leaving.

Miller can hardly breathe. Two visitors. _Two._ Bryan’s alive.

Before Miller can do more than muster up a smile for the very thought that his boyfriend is alive and safe the screen in front of him is filled with his dad’s withered face.

Miller thinks it’s the best thing he’s seen in weeks.

“Nate,” his dad whispers with tears building in his eyes.

Miller isn’t ashamed to admit that he immediately bursts into tears at the sound of his dad’s voice. Earth has never felt as terrifying as it does now because Miller is swamped by the memories of how safe everything seems when he’s with his dad. 

“It’s okay Nate… I’m here now, son. You’re alright, it’s okay,” his dad’s mumbled reassurances soothe Miller like nothing else. God, he forgot how much he loved his dad. Suddenly, he needs to say it, needs his dad to know everything.

“I love you dad, I’m so sorry for, for everything. I’m sorry I was such a screw up and I’m sorry I got arrested, I’m sorry I’m not what you and mum wanted, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

Miller’s apologies faded into quiet sobbing. He’d never really regretted being a thief or getting caught until this very moment when he’s several million kilometres away from his dad. Now all he wishes is that he could be on the Ark with his dad and Bryan. He doesn’t need anything else in his life beside those two and he never realised how lonely he’d been on Earth until now. Sure he had Sterling, Harper and even Monroe and Bellamy to call his friends but that was nothing compared to the family he had in space.

He missed it.

He missed them.

It takes an embarrassingly long time for Miller to pull himself together enough to continue talking to his dad, but he’s weirdly humbled to see his dad in a similar state of tears. The Miller men only let their emotions show when around people they trust and sometimes that results in a huge wave of feelings overwhelming them.

“Dad, I – I’ve done things. On Earth… things that I, I’m not proud of. Some really, really horrible things and I think it’s only going to get worse. I just, I’m not the same kid I was on the Ark, and I’m all messed up now. I’m not the same and I don’t think I’ll ever be that kid again.”

It’s a fear he didn’t know he had until he was face to face, in a manner of speaking, with his dad again. Since coming to Earth he’s had to do some horrible things he isn’t proud of and he knows he’ll have more challenges ahead of him. He’s not the same Nathan Miller that was locked up in the Sky Box and what if he’s changed too much for his dad? What if Bryan doesn’t want this new broken Miller?

“No matter what you’ve done Nathan you’re still my son and I’ll always love you. Nothing is going to change that, you hear me? Nothing,” his dads tone is so strong and the words seep into Miller’s bones. His dad has always been his rock, this unmovable force, and it’s one of the things he loves most about his dad. Nodding Miller smiles a little at his dad, feeling more settled than he has in weeks. But there is still a burning question that needs answering.

“Kane said I had two visitors. Is it Bryan? Is he alive?”

Miller nearly starts hyperventilating with his need for answers but one look at his dad’s face makes him stop. David Miller looks just as disappointed in his son as he did the day he was arrested. This time though there was a whole new level of _‘just how stupid are you?’_ to the look. Miller feels the need to defend himself all of a sudden.

“Do you really think I’d let anything happen to that boy?” Somehow Miller feels like he’s being insulted. That feeling only increases when his dad laughs at his pout. “I’ll go get him for you.”

“Wait!” Miller exclaims watching as his father sits back down and looks at him questioningly. Miller twitches and fidgets for a moment feeling increasingly nervous. “What, what if I’m too different now? What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, I mean this is taking the long distance relationship to a whole new level. And look at me! I look like crap; I’ve got dirt all over me. I can’t see him like this!”

Miller feels perfectly justified in his babbling nonsense. It’s been weeks since he last saw his boyfriend and so much has changed since then, for both of them. He’s not even remotely prepared to see Bryan yet, he was banking on seeing him tomorrow and by then he’d be clean and presentable. By then he’d look like someone his boyfriend would recognise.

“Nathan, that boy is so in love with you it doesn’t matter what you look like. No matter what you think, you are still Nathan Miller and he’ll love you all the same. Covered in dirt or not,” his father smiles indulgently at him and Miller can’t help but chuckle at that.

“Thanks dad. I love you.”

“I love you too, son. You ready?”

Miller takes a deep steading breath and nods, trying to squash down his nerves. No matter how worried he is he still wants to see Bryan more than anything. To Miller it seems to take an eternity for Bryan’s face to appear on the little screen but when it does Miller feels like he can’t breathe.

Bryan is beautiful.

How did he forget this? How did he forget how lucky he was to call this beautiful and kind man his boyfriend? He vows right then and there that he will never forget this moment, to never forget how beautiful Bryan is ever again.

“Hey Bry,” Miller nearly whispers, like it’s a prayer, something to be treasured.

“Nate! You’re alive!” Bryan smiles so wide it’s like the whole screen glows. Of course then he starts crying, more like sobbing really, but Miller still think he’s the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

“Shh, it’s okay baby, it’s alright. I’m alive, I’m okay, and you’re okay. It’s alright, let it out,” Miller reassures his boyfriend and lets out a few tears himself, wishing not for the first time that he was on the Ark so he could hold his boyfriend in his arms.

“I, I can’t be – believe it’s really you. I thought, no one knew anything, I just thought you were, that you –“

“Shh Bry it’s okay, I’m alive and man am I glad you are too. We’re both okay, we’re both alive,” Miller shushes his boyfriend, hoping to derail the impending panic attack. He knows exactly how Bryan feels, that all-consuming fear that your loved one is dead then that falling sensation when your fears are alleviated. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and it’s hard to tell which way is up.

When Bryan lifts his head again it’s like they see each other for the first time all over again. Bryan looks mesmerized, eyes wide and mouth gaping, and there is the beginning of a blush appearing on his plump cheeks. Miller feels similarly, his eyes adoringly taking in every feature of Bryan’s face. His pale skin and shaggy brown hair, that looks in need for a trim, his large wet looking eyes that speak of such innocence even after all this time. Bryan has this cute little button nose and large thin lips that most would call a dusty pink shade, Miller just thinks their perfect. Everything about Bryan is just as beautifully captivating as it was nearly two years ago on that fateful Unity Day on the Ark. Miller has been thanking the stars every day for seeing Bryan that Unity Day, and never has he been more thankful than right now.

Bryan stops gaping, cheeks a nice rosy red and his lips pull back into a grin. Not a small smile, no, there is nothing small about this; it is a full blown grin from ear to ear. It’s breathtaking.

“I can’t believe you kept it,” Bryan whispers in the same tone Miller had said his name, like it was something precious.

For a moment Miller has no idea what his boyfriend is talking about until he follows Bryan’s line of sight and chuckles. He’d almost forgotten he was wearing the beanie, though to be fair he wears it every day so it’s become a part of him instead of an accessory. Some people probably think he’s strange for wearing a beanie all day every day but it’s the only thing of Bryan’s he has, he’d kill thousands of Grounders for this beanie. 

“Course I did silly, I gotta keep it safe until you can come get it,” he jokes, smiling purely for the fact that Bryan is smiling. It’s like the whole world has faded away and all that is left is Bryan’s smile. There is no Ark and no Earth, no distance separating them, no Grounders, no acid fog, no floating, no abusive fathers, no nothing. It is just them. As it should be.

“Yeah, I just have to find a way to get some engineer to make me a ship then I can see you again,” Bryan mumbles disappointingly.

“Bry, don’t you get it? The Ark knows Earth is survivable; they’ll be sending people down soon. The human race is coming home and last I checked you were human… Unless that’s changed and you’re like some alien now?”

“Shut up!” Bryan laughs and Miller just smiles and stares at his boyfriend.

Yeah, he’s fight any Grounder that got between him and this beautiful boy. No doubt about it.

“I haven’t found any good lakes yet, so you better hurry up and get down here so we can start building that house,” Miller tries to make his statement sound light and jovial, but it ends up sounding soft and serious.

“Don’t forget the chicken coop,” Bryan responds just as seriously, but by the looks of it he’s also a little turned on.

Nathan Miller fell in love with a boy that gets excited dreaming about a life together and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

There were books on the Ark that wrote about what love felt like and how hard is was but also how amazing it was. Miller never really gave those books much thought, it was just an _‘I’d like to have that someday’_ notion, never something attainable.

Then he met Bryan and everything changed.

This is what love is supposed to feel like. That all-encompassing warmth that fills you when they smile or the way you start daydreaming about a beautiful long life together. Love is supposed to be beautiful and breathtaking, kind and generous, fun and exciting, warm and comforting, safety and home.

Miller found all this and more the day he met Bryan and on Earth they will have the life they always dreamed of.

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out my [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - The Ark returns to Earth.


	8. We All Fall Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bryan’s life changed the moment he met Nathan Miller, now his life is about to change again. The Ark is heading to Earth and Bryan is stuck on Farm Station anxiously waiting to be reunited with his thief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: child abuse, violence ... just this is a darker chapter for Bryan, he goes through some shit here. But seriously, be aware for the child abuse stuff, it's not overly graphic but I just want people who may be triggered by that kind of thing to be aware.

Unity Day has always been Bryan’s favourite day. He still remembers watching the parade atop his father’s shoulders with his mother smiling brightly beside them, the picture of a happy family. Even after his mother passed away and his dad drowned himself in the bottom of a bottle Bryan still found joy in Unity Day. It was a day that everyone put aside their differences and grievances and celebrated the fact that the human race survived. He loved the speeches, he loved the children’s parade, and he loved the parties.

The past two Unity Day’s he’s spent with Nate, trying desperately to get his boyfriend to see the beauty of Unity Day. This is his first Unity Day without Nate and Bryan feels lost. He’s been lost ever since Shumway dragged Nate away to the Sky Box; he’s been lost this past month knowing the person he loves most is fighting for his life on Earth. This Unity Day isn’t as beautiful and joyous as previous years, it’s also the last one they will ever have in space.

The Ark is going home.

After the sacrifice on Section 17 the council has been trying to find a way to save the Ark but it seems the task is impossible. There isn’t enough air and there isn’t enough time. In space the Ark and its inhabitants will die, but thanks to the 100 there is another option. Earth is survivable. It’s time the people of the Ark experienced that.

As excited as Bryan is to see Earth and more importantly return to Nate, he finds it hard to hold onto that happiness. The journey they will embark on isn’t safe, in fact it’s almost guaranteed that only half of the stations will survive, and those that do survive re-entry may not even survive the landing.

But there is no other choice.

Either die slowly in space or quickly in the journey to Earth.

It’s that small spark of hope that keeps everyone going, Bryan worries his spark isn’t big enough to survive. There’s a feeling in the pit of his stomach that something is going to go wrong and a thousand scenario’s play though his mind, each more troublesome than the last.

He feels like he should have seen the explosion coming.

On what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year Bryan is surrounded by horrified screams and the stench of death. There are dozens of bloody bodies littered around him, pipes have burst and electrical wires are dangerously exposed, people are screaming in pain and fear. There is fire everywhere and so much smoke Bryan is chocking on it and can hardly see through the fog. His lungs burn and his ears are ringing. He’s confused and can’t feel his own body, can’t feel if he’s hurt or not.

What just happened? One minute everything was fine, the parade was beginning and everyone was happy, then there was a loud bang and fire and heat and pain and screaming.

Annie, the little girl from Farm Station that was chosen to be in the parade this year, is lying not far from where Bryan landed. Her green eyes are cloudy, a shard of metal is sticking out of her bloody chest, and her face is twisted in horror. She was so little, so full of life, so excited that she was chosen to be in the last Unity Day parade on the Ark. Now she’d dead.

Is this all the human race is good for? Death and devastation?

“Bryan? Bryan! Are you hurt? Bryan!”

Hearing and clear vision came back to him slowly, like trying to move smoothly with no gravity, and he could hear a man’s voice calling for him. Bryan blinked several times in hopes of clearing the thick smoke from his vision and looked into the face in front of him. His breath caught in his throat as tears swelled in his eyes. This must be heaven, he was killed in the explosion and this is his heaven, so far he had no complaints. If this is who he sees on the other side then he accepts death with a smile.

“Nate?” he whispers, coughing through the smoke.

“Bryan? C’mon son, focus. I need you to focus for me.” The face in front of him frowned heavily and it was all wrong. Nate’s frowns never looked that grim, that hardened, not even when Bryan told him about what his dad had been doing to him.

Slowly his vision sharpened and the face of his boyfriend aged and became full of sorrow. Sad, worried eyes looked at Bryan, just a shade too dark to be Nate’s. 

“Chief Miller?” Bryan tried not to sound too disappointed that he was looking at his boyfriend’s dad and not the man himself, but he thinks David picks up on it anyways. The senior Miller has always been perceptive, Bryan suspects he knew about the abuse long before Nate told him though was just as helpless to do anything about it as his son was.

“I’ve been telling you to call me David for years, kid, when you gonna start listening to me?”

“When you stop calling me kid.” It was an old joke between them, something familiar, and had the desired effect of easing the tension the explosion and confusion had caused.

David huffs and helps Bryan sit up properly; patting him down to make sure nothing is too badly injured. With the new position Bryan takes stock of his injuries, just a few bumps and bruises nothing too serious – nothing he hasn’t suffered through many times before – and surveys the damage.

It’s so much worse than he thought yet better than he feared. There are dozens of dead, but far more survivors. The damage to the Ark is severe but it doesn’t seem critical meaning there is still time to fix it. They’re not dead yet and with every breath hope increases.

Once Chief Miller has assured himself that Bryan is alive and not about to drop dead anytime soon he reluctantly moves off to help the grievously injured and organise the chaos, Bryan tries to do the same.

It’s several hours before Bryan makes his way home, distracted and weary. After helping as many people as he could he returned to Farm Station and checked on the crops and his fellow workers. Luckily none of the crops or their equipment was damaged in the explosion and all the farmers are safe if a little rattled. By the time Bryan shuffles through the door to his quarters he’s completely forgotten why he usually avoids going home on Unity Day.

“Well, well, well, look who decided to come crawling back home,” his father slurs, the stench of alcohol permeates every corner of the room. 

_Shit._

Unity Day has always been a hard day for his father, something Bryan learnt the hard way. Their first Unity Day alone his father threw him into a wall and kicked him repeatedly until three of his ribs broke. By the time Bryan had passed out from the overwhelming pain of the assault his father was screaming at the walls and throwing things around the room. The next day the man had no recollection of the previous night and Bryan spent several weeks struggling to breathe.

Bryan already has enough bruises from the explosion, he doesn’t think there’s any room left for his father to add to it. It’s been years since Bryan felt any real panic when encountering his father, usually he just bears the pain and grimaces through the ordeal; it stopped being scary a long time ago. Yet right at this moment Bryan is scared, he wants to run as fast and far as he can, he can already feel his heart speeding up and his body tense.

“Dad, please…” Bryan begs, something he hasn’t done in years, something he shouldn’t be doing now. Any sign of weakness in front of his father only makes the punishment worse, the fight longer, the hits harder. “There was an explosion today, please.”

“Did people die?” His father asks emotionless, every muscle in his body stilling. Everything about the man stops and it’s the creepiest thing Bryan has ever seen. His father is never still, always shuffling or twitching even in his sleep, this motionless is disturbing and unnatural.

“Y – uh – yeah, lots of people died, dad.”

A strange noise fills their quarters then, a sound Bryan hasn’t heard it years and certainly never this malice. His father is laughing, an equally joyous and devious sound, laughing at the dead and the suffering.

“Good, I think it’s about time you join them,” his father mutters ominously as he throws his empty bottle against the wall, shattering it into hundreds of pieces, and advances on where Bryan stands frozen in fear.

There’s something different about his father tonight, something darker, something deadly. No sadness and not even the slightest hint of anger can be seen in his dark eyes, there’s nothing there. In this moment Bryan knows his father plans to kill him, it’s like a moment of absolute clarity and Bryan knows he’s no match for his father. He may have survived the explosion but he’s about to die by the hands of his father, a fate he knew was coming sooner or later, a fate he chose to ignore and instead focused on the joy he found with Nate.

 _Nate,_ he thinks, _I’m never going to see him again._

Before Bryan can let that thought fester his father is on him, strong hands wrapped around his throat cutting off his air supply. He tries to remain calm and not struggle, fighting back has never done him any good in the past, but he can’t do it. He can’t die like this, not here and not now, not when Lypson gave his life so Bryan could live and not when he’s so close to being reunited with Nate. He won’t die without getting to see Nathan again, it’s not an option. So he struggles, he fights like he never has before. He scratches, pulls, punches, he kicks and he shoves. Bryan fights back with everything he has and yet his father remains constant, fingers squeezing tighter and tighter around his throat.

He can hear pounding and shouting outside their quarters and all Bryan wants to do is scream and shout in hopes someone will save him, but he’s never been that lucky before. Bryan can barely breathe, let alone shout. He can’t save himself and no one is coming to rescue him, he’s all alone and he’s going to die.

Bryan hears a whooshing sound before there’s a black shape in front of him.

“MIKAL! Let him go, NOW!” a voice roared from the dark figure, Bryan’s valiant saviour. His father paid no attention to the man, just held on tighter with a detached wildness swimming in his eyes. Bryan chocked and coughed desperate for air yet unable to get any.

Suddenly Bryan was yanked forward as his father’s hands were ripped violently from his throat. He greedily sucked in big gulps of much needed air, coughing and wheezing as he fell to his knees. Once his head stopped spinning from lack of oxygen Bryan took in the scene around him. His father was splayed out on the ground, claw marks all over his face, neck, and arms, as well as what appears to be the beginnings of a very swollen right eye. His saviour stands tall and protective, putting himself between father and son, fists clenched at his sides.

“I warned you years ago to stop this, but you never listened! You’re lucky we’re headed to Earth and need all the hands we can get; otherwise I’d float you myself. I’d go behind the council, behind Jaha, anything to rid the world of your plague. Touch him again and I’ll slit your throat.”

“I’m okay, David,” Bryan croaked, his voice rough and raw, each word felt like he was swallowing razor blades.

“Now you call me David,” Chief Miller huffed as he crouched to lift Bryan to his feet. Bryan wobbled on unsteady legs so David wrapped his arms around the teenager and led him out of the hovel that had become his home and towards the Miller’s quarters. “I’m so sorry Bryan. I’m sorry I didn’t arrest him sooner, and I’m sorry I can’t arrest him now.”

Bryan just nodded, his throat too raw to form words. He knows there’ll need to be a discussion about this later and Bryan knows he’ll have to absolve David of the guilt he’s sure the man carries. For now, Bryan nods and clings to David’s guard jacket hoping his actions speak where his words cannot.

He often suspected David knew how horrible his home life was but he also knew that as Chief Guard he had to play by the rules. David couldn’t walk up to Mikal and arrest him without definitive proof of the abuse; he couldn’t have someone floated for personal reasons. It was a fine line between heart and duty, one David Miller had to walk every day.

Often times the things his father did to him didn’t leave visible marks. Sometimes all it took was one swift kick to the torso and Bryan’s poorly healed ribs would break all over again, the bruises never that severe and no swelling or cuts to be seen. The pain was on going but the evidence fleeting.

Then there was the more silent abuse. It was the lack of food or medical treatments or sufficient clothing. Sometimes Bryan had to go a week without food because his father was feeling vindictive, or he’d be shivering violently because he father didn’t see the point in getting him warmer clothes that actually fit him. It was in the dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep because his father kept him up all night shouting about how useless he was. Or the constantly messy quarters that Bryan was forced to clean, day in and day out despite his work in the crops and his schooling. Sometimes Bryan was locked inside their small cupboard for days on end, trapped in a confined space suffering sensory deprivation.

It was the whispers, the taunts, the screams and the truths.

_“You killed your mother.”_

_“It should have been you, you should have died, not her.”_

_“You’re a waste of space. I should sell you to Nygel, she can whore you out for all I care, least then you’d be out of my way.”_

_“No one will ever believe you, they’ll think you’re a clumsy kid.”_

_“It was your fault, it’s always your fault.”_

_“No one will ever love a piece of shit like you.”_

Abuse isn’t always physical, isn’t always visible. It’s not the bruises that hurt the most, it’s the words that bury themselves deep within his consciousness that repeat like a mantra in the dead of night or the moments he feels happy and safe.

There are scars no one will ever see, scars Bryan himself can’t even see, scars etched onto his soul that will never heal quite right. Bryan will carry his father’s words and fists with him for the rest of his life, a price he is willing to pay as long as he gets to keep living. He has too much to lose to give up now.

Though he can’t find the words to tell all this to David, to reassure the man that he never blamed him for not stopping the attacks, he hopes the gratitude on his face is enough for now.

It takes two days before Bryan is able to speak without it feeling like he’s swallowing rocks. Two days of being holed up in the Miller quarters on the pretence of recovery. In truth, Bryan is hiding from his father. He doesn’t know how he’s going to face the man, how he’s going to have to look into the eyes of his would be murderer.

Eventually he’ll have to leave this room and face the world outside, but here in Nate’s bed and the protection David offers Bryan can’t find the courage to leave. His responsibilities at the crops can’t be ignored forever though. Bryan isn’t exactly in a position of authority but he’s incredibly knowledgeable due to his training from Lypson. He knows he needs to get back to the fields but he knows Tyson, the handsome young man that took over after Lypson’s sacrifice, can handle a few days without him.

That night David returns home and looks just as shocked and helpless as he did when he found out Nathan was in the Sky Box. That look doesn’t bode well and Bryan is up in an instant, worried and preparing for the worst.

_Nate’s dead._

_They can’t get to Earth._

_Oxygen will be depleted in a matter of hours._

_We’re all about to die._

None of the scenarios in Bryan’s active imagination could have compared to reality.

“I’m so sorry Bryan, I tried, I really did,” David apologized, sounding as defeated as he looked. The older man slumped heavily into a nearby chair burying his head in his hands. He looks older than he should, the constant stress of this past month having aged him beyond his years.

“What happened?” Bryan cautioned, having no idea what Chief Miller was apologizing for. He remained standing, some hidden instinct demanding he be prepared to escape at a moment’s notice.

“In 14 hours the Ark will begin it’s descent to Earth. Everyone’s been assigned to their Station, I tried to get you on Alpha Station with me, I used up all the favours I had but I couldn’t change it,” David looked angry, frustrated, and so incredibly disappointed that Bryan wanted nothing more than to hug the man and make his sorrows go away. “You’ll be on Farm Station with the other workers… and your dad.”

His breath caught in his throat at the mere mention of his father. He could hardly stand to think about the man, let alone be stuck on a ship with him for several hours as they hurtled to Earth. It was one thing to be ripped away from David, someone he considered family, but it was another to have to endure being around his father.

Bryan didn’t know how long he stood there, staring blankly at the far wall, his mind spinning, but it must have been too long. David sprang to his feet and placed his hands on Bryan’s shoulders squeezing them encouragingly. He made sure he caught Bryan’s eye before speaking, his voice and the contact doing wonders to pull Bryan out of his mind.

“We will make it to the ground Bryan. We will see Nate again and we will survive. Kid, you’re a Miller and we don’t abandon family. You _will_ survive Bryan and we’ll find Nate, I promise.”

Every word was like a soothing balm washing away his worries and insecurities. He couldn’t help the blush and shocked smile that appeared on his face at being called a Miller. He knows he loves Nate, knows he’ll never love anyone like he loves Nate, but he’s only 16. Sure, he’s dreamt of marrying Nate, indulged in fantasies of their long life together but he never dared to hope it could be real.

David practically gave his blessing.

Suddenly it no longer matters that he’ll have to face his father again, that he’ll be stuck on a ship with the man and separated from David. He’d endure it all to get back to Nate, to have a chance at fulfilling his most secret of dreams.

“We’ll survive, we’ll find Nate and we’ll all have a good life on Earth, together.” Bryan manages a hopeful smile for David as that small spark inside him grows. He’ll make it to Earth, just as David will, and together they will find Nate and everything will be as it should. Bryan can’t even think anything different, he refuses to let his pessimism take hold.

When Bryan and David leave the next morning they cling to each other, repeating many of the same reassurances as they did the night before. They will survive, they will see each other again, they will find Nate. _They will survive._

Bryan holds those words against his heart like precious treasures. Let’s them shield him when his father comes into view and immediately locks his eyes on Bryan. There is an emotion swirling in his eyes, something Bryan hasn’t seen in nearly a decade, he hesitates to call it compassion.

“Bryan! Thank god, I’ve been looking everywhere for you, ships about to start,” the man exclaims as he walks up to where Bryan is, clapping a hand around his arm to bring their faces closer. “I know we’ve had our troubles but Earth isn’t gonna be easy. We gotta stick together now, us against the world, for your mother.”

It’s the most they’ve spoken to each other in years that wasn’t filled with animosity and Bryan isn’t sure what do to now. He knows how to act when his dad’s angry, sad, black out drunk or that happiness that being tipsy brings. He’s not sure what to do with this though.

“Sure dad.” What else was he supposed to say?

He lets his dad pull him further into the holding area where the other Farm Station residence huddle together. As he’s roughly pulled through the crowd Bryan is happy to spot several of his fellow farmers and can see Tyson – who has only gotten more attractive as the years pass – organise the workers and calm some of the small children. His dad grunts and pushes Bryan to the floor; apparently this spot is suitable for the old drunk – though Bryan notices he can’t smell the usual concoction of alcohol on his father.

His nerves start afresh now. This is really happening, the Ark is really going to Earth, the human race is finally going home. His heart beats faster and his arms shake. Luckily he’s not the only nervous one on board; several other people are shaking, crying, or hyperventilating. It’s a tense atmosphere, everyone hoping and praying they survive the trip.

“May we meet again,” the crowd recites as they clutch each other.

Bryan reaches into his pocket, his hand sliding over smooth wood and intricately carved details. Bringing the wooden giraffe towards his face Bryan stares at the figurine and remembers his first date with Nate when the older boy gave him the carving. He fills his mind with imagines of Nate, let’s his heart swell with love for his impossible thief.

“I’m coming Nate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
>  Next Up - Mount Weather.


	9. Even Mindless I'll Find You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inside the Mountain things are changing as Miller longs for his sweet boy on an important day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for panic attack again. I feel like I'm constantly putting in a warning for panic attacks...but like they're in a stressful situation.

Mount Weather felt like paradise. Mount Weather was what Earth was meant to be like, what everyone on the Ark always dreamed it‘d be like. No more running, no more fighting, no more death. Inside the mountain they could finally find peace.

At least that’s what it was like at first.

Then Clarke _‘left’_ , and suddenly the picture perfect image the Mountain projected started showing its cracks. Every delinquent knew Clarke would never leave her people willingly, she’d never leave them unprotected or without a leader. Bellamy was gone, she was the only leader they had left and abandoning them wasn’t her modus operandi.

Miller really didn’t want to think about Bellamy, the man that had become his closest friend since being on the ground, didn’t want to think about him being dead. There were a lot of things Miller was purposefully ignoring – Bellamy, Finn, the battle, Clarke, the Ark, his dad, Bryan – and the cheerful existence inside the mountain occupied his thoughts for several days leaving him in blissful ignorance.

The Mountain was bursting at the seams, its façade falling away, the clouds lifting. It was a dangerous time for all.

Everything was slowly falling apart around them and everyone was on edge and paranoid. Most of the delinquents were distrustful by nature, so when more than half of them readily accepted Mount Weather the others became suspicious. Miller feels like he owes his life to those few suspicious delinquents, without them who knew what the Mountain would have done to them.

It was about the time Clarke disappeared that the fog lifted from Miller’s eyes and he realised what was putting him so off balance since he awoke in a white medical facility. It was more than the fog, more than Clarke leaving, more than Bellamy being gone.

He was missing something, something important.

He had a panic attack when he finally realised what was missing. His throat became tight, his chest heavy, and pulse pounding in his ears drowning out all outside noise. Shaky hands gripped his short hair, hair that was uncovered.

_It was wrong, all wrong, so wrong. It’s gone, they’ve taken it, it was all he had left, it can’t be gone._

Harper rushed to his side and gripped his shoulders, easing him to the ground before he passed out from inefficient oxygen levels. After she’d safely guided him to the floor Harper ripped her hands from Miller’s body and talked him calmly through his distress. Miller had never had a full blown panic attack before, but he’d helped Harper through several during their time in Sky Box and on the ground together. He knew she hated being touched during her attacks but thought that was specific to her. Having experienced the terror of a panic attack himself he understands how she always felt. The moment Harper had touched him Miller felt his body tense up, her touch just adding to his panic. It felt like an invasion in the most intimate of ways. The moment her hands left him the tension left his body and the sensation of snakes slithering all over his body dissipated. He’s never felt so violated, so vulnerable, so attacked. It was worse than facing down a hundred grounders. It was an experience he isn’t likely to forget anytime soon and gives him a new sense of respect for Harper who suffers these attacks frequently.

It took several moments, long agonizing moments, before Miller’s heart stopped feeling like it was trying to beat out of his chest and his breathing settled into an even rhythm. When the world around him came back into focus and Miller was able to take stock of his body he realised there were tears streaming down his face and his nose was running. A wave of embarrassment and shame washed over Miller. Thankfully Harper had pushed him into the corner of their bunker and gave as much privacy as possible. He doesn’t want anyone to see him break like this. He knows the others look to him to be the strong one now, the calm one, the protector.

Breaking down isn’t something he can afford, especially with Bellamy gone and Clarke missing.

“Feel like telling me what that was all about?” Harper asks after Miller takes several deep breathes and gets his tears under control. He’s still feeling confused and disorientated but with each breath clarity returns. Having never been an emotional person in the first place this tidal wave of feelings is a little overwhelming for him. In a way he feels like he needed it though, like he needed an outlet for all the pent up frustrations, suspicious, and fears he’s been hiding since they landed on Earth. It was cathartic but Miller prays it never happens again.

“Sorry, I didn’t really expect that.” Miller scratches his eyebrow before rubbing the back of his neck, avoiding Harper’s eye. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this uncomfortable before. “I just realised they took the beanie is all.”

Now that he said it out loud he felt ridiculous. Who goes into a panic attack because of a beanie? It sounds stupid and childish and Miller is too embarrassed to even look at Harper. Attempting to ignore the somewhat awkward silence Miller tries to wrap his mind around everything that’s happened. Mount Weather has distorted his mind, kept him in a fog where nothing outside these walls matters, where everything feels safe and calm. Miller doesn’t even know what day it is.  

“Bryan’s beanie,” Harper sighs in sympathy once she figures it out. Reaching out Harper places her dainty hand on Miller’s bent knee and ducks to catch his eye, smiling warmly once she does. “We’ll get it back, Miller.”

It was a hollow promise but Miller appreciated the effort. He smiled at her, though it lacked any happiness. Harper frowned before standing abruptly and venturing out into the bunker. Miller was left confused and huddled in the corner but he was grateful for the isolation. He needed a moment to sort through everything.

The Mount Weather fog clouding his thoughts had lifted and he was thinking clearly for the first time in days. His senses came back to him slowly and the feeling gradually returned to his limbs. Slowly he stood and made his way into the centre of the bunker.  The delinquents were still blissfully happy stuck in the Mount Weather haze but he noticed Monty, Jasper, and Harper seemed to be thinking clearly. They looked suspicious and cautious. They knew something was wrong with the Mountain and Miller knew with absolute clarity that they were not guests here, they were prisoners.

Nathan Miller is sick of being a prisoner, he wants his freedom.

“Right, it’s all sorted. Jasper is going to talk to Maya about the beanie tomorrow. You should know better than to doubt me, Miller,” Harper announced as she returned to his side looking as smug as ever.

Miller stared at the blonde for a moment before a genuine smile broke out, however small it may be. He pulled her into a hug, whispering his gratitude into her hair. He still wasn’t convinced he’d ever see that beanie again but he was never more grateful to have a friend like Harper with him than he was right now. Prisons, no matter how nice, are always made easier with friends standing by your side. Speaking of friends, Miller realises he hasn’t see Sterling or Monroe in days.  

Thinking about it Miller is certain they weren’t even inside the mountain but he refused to think the grounders had killed them. He spends the rest of the day pretending like everything is perfectly fine and that he isn’t constantly worrying about people left behind. Plagued day and night by such thoughts Miller wonders if it wasn’t better to be encased in the Mount Weather fog. Reality is always a hard pill to swallow, or so the old saying goes.

His night is restless and sleep evades him but his mind is never quiet for long. By morning he is in a foul mood and snapping at everyone. Sleepless night and chaotic thoughts weren’t the sole reason for his less than cheery state. He was finally able to work out what day it was and the answer opened up a hole inside his heart he’s tried to keep closed.

Today was important to him and he has to spend it locked inside a mountain without the only thing of Bryan’s he has left. He’s mad at the world, at the universe, and God help whoever is in his line of fire today.

Unfortunately for the pleasant girl, Maya is in range of Miller’s fury.

As soon as the brunette walks through their bunker doors, waving and smiling, Miller stalks towards her and nearly pins the girl to the cement wall.

“Did you get it?” he demands, bare millimetres between their faces. He can smell the mint from her toothpaste and the floral scent of her shampoo. He can see the light freckles dusting her cheeks and the flecks of dark brown in her eyes. This close he can practically feel her shaking and taste her fear in the air. Distantly Miller is aware that he’s acting irrationally and is too aggressive for the situation but in this moment he feels like he needs that beanie more than the breath in his lungs.

“Miller!” Jasper yells, rushing up to them and pulling Miller away from Maya before standing protectively in front of the startled girl.

Not a moment later Monty and Harper arrive at the tense scene. Monty looks incredibly confused but Miller knows he’d side with Jasper in any confrontation – it’s an admirable quality, loyalty like that, one Miller respects. Harper on the other hand looks like she’s ready to pull Miller away to calm him – like the mother hen he knows she can be – but is just as anxious to see if Maya acquired the beanie. Jasper looks both angry and concerned but Maya’s reaction is the most shocking. The girl places a hand on Jasper’s shoulder and moves to stand beside him instead of cowering behind him. Miller is impressed with her strength.

“Jasper it’s fine, I’m okay,” she smiles at Jasper who seems to melt at her contact, before turning back to Miller. “I don’t have it but I know where it might be. I can’t go in there without a suit and it’s too risky for that. If you want it you’ll have to get it yourself.”

“Lead the way,” Miller nods immediately, hardly listening to her words at all. There is no need to think through the consequences, he’d do just about anything to get that beanie back, especially today.

“You’re not going alone,” Jasper starts, grasping onto Maya’s hands, his whole world narrowing down to just her. Miller knows they make a cute couple, but thinking about that on today of all days makes Miller want to murder a grounder or two.

“We have to. Too many of you would draw too much attention. Miller and I can handle it,” Maya reassures Jasper before somewhat reluctantly nodding at Miller. Considering they’ve never actually spoken before they are both putting a great amount of trust in the other.

“You better come back with that dammed beanie,” Harper whispers as she pulls him into a hug. Miller can’t do much but smile absently at her as his mind is circling through how strong Maya is showing herself to be and how badly he wants that beanie back. He doesn’t think he has the strength to return empty handed, not today.

Maya leads Miller through the twisting hallways of Mount Weather in silence for several long minutes. She smiles and nods to other residence as they pass and luckily no one stops them. It shouldn’t be such a surprise, Miller realises, as everyone is still acting as if everything is perfectly fine.  

“What makes this beanie so special that you’d risk getting caught?”

Miller doesn’t offer up personal information to anyone, in fact talking about private things makes him incredibly uncomfortable, but he feels like he owes Maya something. She’s risking her own safety here for something as trivial as a beanie. Having already proven that she’s more on their side than on the Mountain’s Miller feels like maybe his story can be safe with her.

Clearing his throat Miller clasps his hands behind his back and walks a little taller like he’s seen his father do a thousand times before. He needs the silent strength of his dad right now if he’s going to get through his awkward conversation.

“It was my boyfriend’s. He gave it to me before they locked me up. It’s all I’ve got left.” Miller shook his head, hoping to clear away the troubling thoughts of never seeing Bryan again. He didn’t know what he’d do if his last connection to Bryan was lost forever. Especially today.

“Where is he now?” Maya asked. Her voice was softer and more cautious than he’s ever heard it. Was his turmoil that obvious? Did his whole being just scream sad and lonely?

Miller didn’t like thinking about where Bryan might be. He’d seen the lights in the sky like everyone else, he saw the ships, knew what they meant. The Ark was coming to Earth, but Miller knew how rough the landing was for the Drop Ship, he didn’t like to think about how much worse it’d be for the entire Ark Station. Bryan could be on Earth right now, he could be close or could be on the other side of the planet. They were the good options. The other, more likely, option was that the station Bryan was on crashed, or exploded during re-entry. There’s a good chance Bryan is dead right now and Miller would never know.

He can’t think about that though, not today. Preferably not ever.

“I don’t know. He was on the Ark,” Miller left that thought hanging heavy in the air. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how he’d finish that sentence.

The silence lingered, Miller’s mind stuck on a never-ending loop of what ifs. He focused on putting one foot in front of the other – right, left, right, left – anything to stop thinking about the what ifs.

“Do you think he’s gone? In your heart do you feel like he’s gone?” Maya asks sounding like a girl who reads too many romance novels and believes that love can conquer all. Miller really hopes his love can conquer rough re-entry and crash landings.

“I think he’ll always be in my heart no matter what, but I hope he’s alive.  I _need_ him to be alive, especially today,” he whispers without meaning to. Whenever he talks about Bryan he seems to ramble on, talking more than he meant to, or more than he wanted to.

They reach the end of the hallway and Maya stops outside a large set of dark green doors. There are small windows on the doors and Miller peaks inside. Another set of doors greets his sight but they also have windows just large enough to see through. It seems to be an empty store room, grand in size but relatively empty. Miller can see the issue for Maya though, towards the back of the room is a large crack in the wall. Light shines through the crack as if the mountain itself has broken, as if it’s slowly destroying the infrastructure hidden inside. If Maya stepped through these doors without a radiation suit on she’d be dead in minutes.

“Behind the shelves on the left. That’s where I think your clothes were stored.”

“What do you mean _think_? You don’t actually know?” Miller feels like Maya should have told him this from the start, though to be fair it wasn’t like he really gave her much opportunity to do so.

“Would you just go before security comes? They don’t check here much but they _do_ check, so hurry up,” Maya commands in that soft voice of hers and Miller can kind of see why Jasper is so smitten with her. She gives off such a vulnerable aura but underneath the sad eyes is a hidden strength. In some ways she reminds him of Bryan, a bittersweet thought but one that gives him the push he needs to slip through the doors.

Without further delay Miller makes his way through the double doors, making sure the first is shut before opening the next so as not to leak radiation into the hallway. Inside the room the temperature drops several degrees to the point of freezing; it instantly has Miller on high alert.

Miller cautiously made his way through the room, looking over boxes and through shelves. If he had to describe this room he’d compare it to a trash pile. On the Ark even junk was used to make other things, everything and anything had a use in space when you only had limited supplies. Here inside the Mountain a looser system applies, and inside this radiation soaked room is where the useless items are kept. Mostly it looked to be a bunch of clothing, weapons, and broken items. Everything inside the room looked like it was taken off a grounder. The only way to take something from a grounder was to steal it from its lifeless body. Miller didn’t want to think about the amount of dead bodies Mount Weather had created to fill such a room.

Keeping to the left Miller ignored to grounder clothing and peaked behind a large shelving unit. There in a pile on the cold ground were the clothes the delinquents had been wearing during the battle and when they’d been captured by the mountain.

For the life of him Miller couldn’t understand why they weren’t allowed to keep their clothes. Surely a couple washes would have removed any lingering radiation. But Miller thinks the fancy clothes they were given were more of the façade of the mountain, another element that kept them in a fog.

Falling to his knees Miller frantically digs through the clothing. Everything smells, like they never bothered to clean out the blood stains, but it hardly matters right now. Miller has one goal and no amount of stench or bodily fluids is going to stop him.

He digs for such a long time he’s worried the guards will come and discover what he’s up to. Nearing the bottom of the pile Miller’s hopes slowly dies, his last piece of Bryan slipping away, but then he sees it. Hidden at the bottom of the pile and tucked under an orange jacket that belongs to Zane lies Bryan’s beanie. With shaky hands Miller grasps the beanie and brings it to his face. Closing his eyes he breathes in the fibres of the beanie and ignores the way his eyes begin to water.

The sliver of hope that Bryan is alive increases tenfold with this beanie in his hands. On today of all days he really needed this, needed to feel like Bryan wasn’t lost to him, that there was still a chance.

Face nestled in the woollen material, pretending it still smells as sweet as Bryan, Miller thinks back to the first time he saw Bryan wearing the beanie. Even back then it still looked as rough and tattered as it does now, Bryan used to say it added character.

It was two years ago when Miller had made it his mission to make the most beautiful boy on the Ark fall in love with him. The problem was that Bryan was so beautiful and quick witted that Miller felt like he had two left feet, a tongue made of lead, and a head full of sand. Every time he was near Bryan he couldn’t find the right thing to say, every time Bryan smiled at him he lost all his charm and suave – what little of it he had anyhow. No other guy had made him feel that nervous, like dozens of stars were exploding inside his stomach, no other boy had ever made him feel that alive.

After Unity Day Miller had promised he’d walk Bryan home from class the next day. The younger boy had blushed and smiled and Miller couldn’t help but fall a little harder for him. The problem was that Miller had no idea which class Bryan was in – he tends to forget things when he looks at Bryan, captivated by the sight of him, marvelling that someone like Bryan was giving Miller the time of day. Luckily Miller was an excellent thief and was able to sneak into the Admin Hall and after scouring the files was able to find a class list with Bryan’s name on it.

Having only moments before the school day ended Miller rushed to the correct hall and made it just in time to see the door open and a stream of kids come flying out. Miller stood back and tried to catch his breath but kept his eyes glued to the door, hoping to see Bryan’s striking face.

Teenager after teenager left the room and each face that wasn’t Bryan’s had Miller’s face falling. Did he read the list wrong? Was he even in the right hallway? Was Bryan somehow avoiding him?

Before his self-esteem took him down a darker path the flurry of kids ebbed and a final teenager shuffled out of the classroom. Miller’s face split into a grin without his permission, but he didn’t care that he was grinning like a love-struck fool. Bryan slowly and cautiously stepped out of the classroom, his books clutched to his chest, eyes focused on the floor. When Bryan lifted his eyes and saw Miller everything about the boy changed. His back straightened and shoulders slumped as his eyes went wide with shock. But Miller’s favourite thing, the one moment he swears he’ll remember for the rest of his life, is the way Bryan smiled when he saw Miller standing there waiting for him.

Bryan’s smile is like a gift from the gods, it’s the divine they speak of, the miracle that makes the sceptics believers.

“I didn’t think you’d actually show,” Bryan remarks, surprise evident in his tone. The boy struggles with his books as he tries to readjust the beanie covering his hair.

Moving quickly Miller takes the mountain of books from Bryan, planning on carrying them for the younger boy. Miller wants to be the gentleman worthy of Bryan’s affections, even if his mind is thinking very ungentlemanly things. Bryan in a beanie is really doing it for him, okay?

“I’m a man of my word,” he states as he begins walking with Bryan away from the dank classrooms. “Humans were given the gift of verbal speech, why should we waste it by lying?”

Miller nearly swallows his tongue once he realises what he’s said. It’s not that the words themselves are embarrassing, and he honestly means every word, but he sounds like a royal ass. He wanted to be smooth and sexy for Bryan, not sound like he’s up himself or all high and mighty. His shoulders hunch and he looks away from Bryan. Miller just wants to smack himself, he sounded like a tool and he doesn’t know how to salvage the situation.

“Wow,” Bryan whispers beside him. Nathan looks at the boy beside him to see eyes wide with what can only be described as awe. “You really are more than just a pretty face.”

Miller can’t help it, he cracks up laughing. He’s known Bryan for less than 24 hours and somehow he knows that that was such a _Bryan_ thing to say.  His laughter isn’t cruel but full of happiness and freedom. Life on the Ark doesn’t seem so bleak with someone like Bryan around.

“You think I’m pretty?” Miller can’t help but ask.

Bryan hasn’t seemed to stop blushing since Miller took the books from his hands but every word spoken seems to darken his cheeks.

“Obviously,” Bryan rolls his eyes automatically before they nearly bulge out of his head. This is one of Miller’s favourite things about Bryan so far; his knack for speaking what’s on his mind and the way he almost always blushes once he realises what he’s said. It’s adorable and Miller hopes Bryan never loses this quality about him, this innocence without being innocent, this wit and charm, this freedom to be himself.

“Good,” Miller smirks. It’s immensely gratifying to know the guy he’s crushing on thinks he’s cute, makes him feel like he has a good chance of winning Bryan’s heart. “I think you’re pretty too and I _really_ like the beanie.”

There’s enough inflection in his voice to get the message across, to make his intentions a little less subtle. Bryan nearly trips over his own feet.

It’s been two years since then, two years of blushes and wide eyes, of hints and innuendoes, of smiles and smirks. It’s been the best two years of Nathan’s life and he holds on to those memories as he clings to the tiny piece of fabric that belonged to the man who stole his heart.

~ ~ ~

Hundreds of kilometres away, over mountains and across rivers, Bryan smiles for the first time since arriving on Earth. He is cold and miserable, constantly on guard for enemies both near and far, and yet he smiles. In his hands is the wooden giraffe Nate gifted him on their first date, in his hands is his reason for surviving. He is a broken man and yet he smiles.

“Happy anniversary, Nate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
>  Next Up - Miller learns that Farm Station is on Earth (kind of 3x01)


	10. Last Chance At Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been four months and there hasn't been any sign of Farm Station. Miller is starting to lose hope that Bryan is alive.   
> Then they find the signal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon parts of 3x01.

Everything has changed since Mount Weather, since the Ark returned to Earth. Things have almost returned to normal, whatever _normal_ is anyways. There is now government and law, there are assigned quarters and jobs. Everyone has a place now and they just go on with life as if nothing changed. Life isn’t as dangerous as it used to be, there are guards and electrified fences now, they are safe.

Miller should be happy with how everything turned out – his people are safe, Bellamy is alive, and he’s with his dad again – but he can’t stop thinking about all the things that are wrong.

Leaving Mount Weather and seeing his dad standing there waiting for him was the best feeling in the world. He was speechless and overwhelmed, and could do nothing more than fall into his dad’s arms. He hardly spoke the whole journey back to camp, just stayed safe beneath his dad’s arm. When they were in the privacy of his dad’s quarters only then did Miller break.

He wept openly and deeply, with no sign of stopping any time soon. He wept for his friends, for the countless dead bodies he’s seen, for the people he killed in defence of his home, and he wept for himself. He’s been terrified every single day they’ve been on Earth, scared of the grounders, of the dangerous delinquents in their group, scared of the responsibility he found himself with, and scared of failing.

But here, safe with his dad, Miller felt like he could just be a kid again. For once he didn’t have everyone looking to him to be strong or to make the decision, he didn’t have to worry about an attack, and he didn’t have to be brave. With his dad he could be the frightened teenager he really was and let his dad shoulder the weight for a little while.

It was amazing to be able to feel that certain love and safety that only a parent can provide. Miller was warm and happy for the first time in a long time. Being with his dad again felt great, it almost felt like a dream. His kind smile and understanding eyes never judged Miller for the things he had to do while on Earth.

That, more than anything, made Miller relax.

Things were almost okay for a while; he was recovering – both physically and mentally – and spending as much time with his dad as possible. Then he ventured outside their quarters and ran into Monroe.

For a moment there were relieved smiles, and warm embraces. They were both overjoyed that the other had survived that it took a moment for reality to settle in.

“Where’s Sterling?” he’d asked and watched blankly as her face crumbled.

Sterling didn’t survive.

His Sky Box cell mate was gone, having fallen to his death trying to save a friend. Miller, as upset as he was, felt almost glad that Sterling had gone out that way. It was horrific and painful but Sterling tried to save his friend, it was honourable and good, just like Sterling.

Monroe had led him out to the fire pit and there they sat grieving their lost friend. They told stories about their friendship with Sterling, they remembered him as the fun and carefree guy he was. Sterling was a ray of sunshine on the hellhole that Earth had turned out to be. But now he was gone, and the shadows of the world crept a little further in.

Soon after, Bellamy had told him that Clarke left. Miller can’t say he’s surprised. He sometimes finds it hard to look at these people he’s grown up with, knowing how much blood is on his hands. He can’t imagine how much worse it must be for Clarke.

Miller knows Bellamy is struggling with her absence, more than any other of the delinquents, but there’s nothing he can say to comfort the man. Bellamy isn’t ready to confront his feelings for Clarke and Miller isn’t going to be the one to push him.

That can be Octavia’s job.

Octavia’s turned into some kind of super badass, and Miller finds he’s proud of her. In this messed up world they’ve found themselves in she was able to make a place for herself. The little warrior even managed to find love.

When he first ran into Lincoln wandering the halls it was a shock to the system and Miller cringed away from the Grounder. It took him nearly two weeks to work up the courage to talk to Lincoln. It was hard to go to someone you had wronged with your tail between your legs, so to speak.

Miller had apologized for the way he treated Lincoln, for tying him up, for beating him, for taunting him and disrespecting him.

“I was scared and fear makes people do awful things. I’m so sorry for my part in all this. I’m not asking for forgiveness but I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry and I regret how we treated you.”

He had stood there for a moment, looking at the quiet man, and hoping Lincoln understood his sincerity at least. Having not been expecting any kind of reaction Miller was shocked when Lincoln stuck out his hand. Hesitantly, Miller shook the offered hand and Lincoln nodded.

That seemed to be the end of it.

There was another reason Miller had been keeping his distance from Lincoln, one that had nothing to do with torture or apologies. Watching the love Lincoln had for Octavia, and the way the girl gained strength from his presence was painful. They were a beautiful couple and clearly loved each other deeply, but it stung Miller and nearly had him in tears.

They reminded him of what he was missing.

 _Bryan_.

No one wanted to mention the other Ark stations that descended to Earth but Miller thought of it every day. They had no idea if Farm Station survived and each day it got harder to hope.

He and his dad had talked extensively about Farm Station. They’d tried to map the trajectory of the descent, tried to figure out where they could have landed, but the area they narrowed it down to was large and too far away to send a search party. Every day they swung by communications to see if any more progress was made in boosting a signal or trying to get a radio link to Farm Station.

Miller doesn’t think he’s ever loved his father more than in the past few months. To him, Bryan had always been family but to have that same sentiment repeated in his father’s actions meant more to Miller than anything. David wanted to find Bryan just as much as his son did; he wanted to make their family whole again.

It’s now been four months since the Ark returned to Earth and Miller is beginning to lose hope. He goes through the motions, talking with his dad, hanging out with his friends, and working as a guard. Every day there’s no news on Bryan is another day Miller feels like he’s walking on broken glass through a thick fog.

He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep hoping that Bryan is alive. One of these days he’s going to have face facts and come to terms with his boyfriend’s death. His chest aches and he loses his breath just thinking about it.

Bellamy has noticed his distance and tried to get him focusing on life again but it’s hard. Knowing Bellamy needs the distraction almost as much as he does, Miller does what he can in living in the moment.

For now, that meant laughing and messing about in the Rover as they all sang off key to a song Jasper was playing.

It was fun, in the way that the teens haven’t experienced since being on Earth. For a moment Miller actually forgot about the very real chance that Bryan was dead. For a moment he lived and he laughed. It was freeing and exactly what he needed.

But Earth has a way of hitting you over the head with reality.

“Tracking beacon from the Ark,” Monty says as he climbs into the front seat of the Rover.

Raven stops the truck as outside Octavia circles her horse back around. Miller is trying to force his hope back down, trying to shield himself from the pain of losing Bryan. It’s a hard battle and he’s not sure he’s winning.

“Who is it?” Bellamy asks, voice as cold as steel. Their leader is much better at controlling his emotions, at least when it comes to things like hope. Bellamy is a pessimist; Miller isn’t sure what he is.

It takes only seconds for Monty’s typing on his keyboard to reveal the answer but to Miller it feels like a lifetime. What if it’s Farm Station? What if it’s not? Miller can’t take much more of this heartache, that particular throb that comes from hope.

Some days he just wants confirmation that Bryan is dead so at least he can truly grieve and stop living on a knife’s edge. But the thought of Bryan being lost to him sends Miller into a darkening spiral, one that only ends with his own death.

Miller holds his breath and tries hard to keep his mind blank, to not wonder and to not hope.

“Farm Station,” Monty’s shaky voice replies.

Miller’s breath hitches, his eyes darting around the back of the Rover. He feels like he’s floating yet sinking at the same time. Heart pounding, hands shaking, and breath stuttering Miller looks to Bellamy. He needs the calm strength of his friend, someone to ground him before he slips away.

“A-after four months? How?” he asks, voice softer than he’d like it to be. He shakes his head, not believing what is happening. After all this time, all his waiting and searching, after wars, death and destruction, he can’t believe he’s finally found it.

Miller is too busy being in shock to notice Bellamy asking where the beacon is coming from, he even misses Octavia opening the back door. Four months of hope, four months of dreams, and now the moment is finally here.

Miller’s not sure he’s ready, but he doesn’t think it matters right now.

Bryan is out there and Miller will do anything to get him back.

“Sector Eight.”

_No, not there, anywhere but there._

“That’s Ice Nation,” his voice is hard, preparing himself for the worst. They all know how dangerous Ice Nation is, they all know how unlikely it is that anyone survived there for so long.

Raven blathers on about protocol and heading back to camp but he can hear it in her voice, she doesn’t want to go back. Looking around at the teens in the Rover, these people he’s fought beside and grown to call family, Miller realises they are all here for him and Monty. These amazing people would venture into the Ice Nation for them.

Miller hasn’t felt this loved since arriving on Earth. On a planet as rough and deadly as Earth it’s easy to forget about the good things, about friends and family, about love and happiness.

Here in the back of the Rover, Miller remembers. He remembers the way Bryan looked when Miller first told him he loved him. He remembers their first kiss and the way Bryan had clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him standing. Bryan’s smile and his laugh, the way he said Miler’s name, and the way their bodies fit perfectly against each other; each of these moments and more are etched into Miller’s brain, little pieces of heaven he’ll never forget.

He remembers what love felt like. Ice Nation or not, he’s willing to fight.

“Screw protocol,” Bellamy decides, glancing meaningfully at Monty and Miller. “Chancellor’s not from Farm Station. Monty is, so is Miller’s boyfriend. It’s your call.”

“Let’s do this,” Monty sounds so excited and hopefully, like he truly believes they are only moments from their lost loved ones. Miller is a little more doubtful, but the beacon is the closest they’ve gotten to Farm Station in months.

He’ll do anything for Bryan.

“You have to ask?” he deadpans when Bellamy looks to him for confirmation. The older man smirks and their group set off for Sector Eight.

There is only the slimmest of slim chances that they’ll find Farm Station and all its inhabitants. They will be heading towards the most dangerous and deadly tribe on Earth, all for a _chance_. Yet everyone here is willing to go the distance because they care about Monty and Miller.  

The teenagers are something special and Miller is proud to call them friends. He looks at Bellamy and finally lets a smile break free.

_I’m on my way Bry._

~ ~ ~

Riding on horseback was one of the best experiences he’s had on Earth. They are majestic creatures and being able to ride one is an amazing feeling. It is also a bittersweet affair, because Bryan would love horses.

Miller sighs and shakes his head as he, Raven, and an injured Jasper ride back to camp.

Of course the beacon didn’t lead them to Farm Station.

Of course they ran into Ice Nation soldiers.

Of course he didn’t find Bryan.

Earth was what Miller always imagined Hell to be like, so he really should have seen this disappointment coming.

Whether from Jasper’s earlier insanity or having picked up on Miller’s foul mood, the ride back to camp was done in silence.

As soon as he’d see the Grounders Miller’s heart had broken. They’d never been that close to finding Farm Station before and stupidly Miller had let his hope grow. For a moment he really thought he was going to see Bryan again.

But of course he doesn’t get his happy ending.

All throughout their ride Miller can feel Raven’s eyes on him, can feel her hesitance and her worry. Raven isn’t one to bite her tongue so Miller must look worse than he thought if she remains silent. Even Jasper, as messed up as he is, looks to Miller with a sad understanding.

It makes Miller sick.

He doesn’t want pity, he doesn’t want understanding or comfort.

All he really wants is Bryan.

Against his will a single tear falls from his eye. Sniffing his emotions away Miller leads his horse through the gates of Arkadia. He can tell that he’s moments away from a break down but he’d rather do that in the privacy of his quarters.

Jasper nearly falls off the horse as he tries to dismount, Miller reaching out to steady him. Swaying for a moment Jasper looks at Miller, uncharacteristically serious.

“I’m sorry we didn’t find your boyfriend,” the wounded teen slurs before walking off to lean against something more solid and get seen to by the medics.

Miller stands in shock for a moment. Jasper hasn’t been acting like himself since Maya died, but that right there was a glimpse of the old Jasper. Breathing deeply Miller tries to get a handle on his fragile emotions but Raven grabs him before he can rush off.

“The beacon is good news, Miller. We can use that to find them.” Raven smiles at him encouragingly but he can’t find the energy to return it. “You’ll have your boyfriend back soon.”

He watches Raven hobble off, her limp more pronounced indicating she overworked herself _again_. Once again he is struck by the love he has for this new family of his.

And yet, he is still on the brink of tears.

It hurts so much to be so close to finding Bryan only for that hope to be snatched away just as quickly. Today was a day he really needed Bryan, he needed to feel his boyfriends arms wrapped around him and hear his heartbeat, strong and steady.

He feels like he can hardly breathe without Bryan. Today he needed a win and he just didn’t get it.

He doesn’t know if he can survive another false hope.

Maybe it’s time for him to accept that Bryan is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would you like to see in the BIG REUNION???  
> [My Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)  
> Next Chapter - Reunion


	11. Never Let Me Wake From The Dream Of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reunion we were all sorely denied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during 3x02  
> warnings: slight self-harm thoughts...... how about a warning for fluff???

The night was restless. For hours Miller tossed and turned in his bed and during those rare moments he was able to sleep his mind was plagued with nightmares.

Either he was running after a signal that led nowhere, or he followed it straight to a horrifying image of Bryan’s bloodied body splayed on the ice covered ground.

Before dawn even broke Miller gave up on his feeble attempt at sleep. He didn’t think he’d ever get a decent nights rest again. He had well and truly gotten his hopes up yesterday, and this is what he has to show for it.

Heartache and anguish.

It’s been almost nine hours since he awoke and he’s spent that time doing anything possible to distract his mind. Having walked the perimeter of Arkadia three times he realised it did nothing to help. He cleaned every single gun they have in the armoury but after the first 50 he noticed he didn’t even need to think about what his hands were doing. His mind still kept going back to that moment Monty said the words Farm Station.

The hope that bloomed in his chest had nearly suffocated him. It had felt so good, like he was actually alive for the first time in months.

It only took seconds for that feeling to be squashed, all his hopes and dreams fading with it. They didn’t find Farm Station; the signal was nothing more than a piece of rubble decorating an Ice Nation’s belt.

Miller’s angry at himself for getting swept up in the excitement, for actually believing that anything on Earth could be that good. He was a fool, and now he wanders the camp feeling more alone than ever.

His wanderings lead him to the training room and it feels like a blessing. Within two long strides he’s standing in front of their practice beam. One of the thick metal poles of the Ark that has been wrapped in padded vests. It was what they used to practice their attacks before practicing them on each other.

It was exactly what Miller needed right now.

Without bothering to bandage his hands for protection Miller punched the padded beam. It didn’t hurt, not in the way he wished it would, but the action reminded him of mindless anger and searing pain. It was a decent distraction from the ache beneath his breast.

He threw his fists again and again, punching as hard as he could until his knuckles throbbed. Then he switched to kicking the beam. He kicked and kicked until he couldn’t raise his right leg again, only to continue kicking with his left. It took 45 minutes before his legs felt like jelly and he couldn’t kick anymore.

So he just went back to punching.

There he stayed, isolated and in more than just physical pain, for hours until the sun rose and everyone got on with their day. Miller didn’t know what his days were meant to mean anymore. Before, each time he left camp he felt like he was searching for Bryan.

What was there to search for now?

Miller panted, leaning heaving against the beam as a thought struck him. He suddenly understood what Jasper was going though, and that terrified him. He didn’t want to become like Jasper, an angry, hollowed out, shadow of himself.

In the back of his mind he made a promise to a boy that was lost to him that he wouldn’t let himself drift away like that.

Safe in the empty training room, Miller let a few tears fall.

It was where Harper found him an hour later, huddled in the dark corner of the room. His eyes had long since dried but they were distant and empty. He could already feel himself being hollowed out, every minute that Bryan was gone chipped away at a piece of his soul.

Harper smacked the side of his head and ran through some training exercises with him. They didn’t talk about yesterday, the signal, or Bryan. In fact they hardly spoke at all, for the hour and a half that they sparred they only shared a few words between them.

Miller was grateful to have a friend like her, someone who understood that he didn’t want to talk through everything. With Harper there to kick him into gear maybe he wouldn’t lose himself to his grief. He had to try, for Bryan’s sake.

Harper was panting and red faced by the time they heard hurried footsteps approaching the training room. Miller was more than happy to ignore the noise when his father burst through the door.

“Dad!” Miller gasped, running to his father’s side. The older guard was out of breath, doubled over and wheezing. Grabbing his father’s shoulders he was able to get the older Miller standing up right. Eyes roaming over the older man, Miller was able to see that his dad wasn’t injured but that only made Miller more confused. “What’s going on?”

“Bellamy radioed,” David huffed, still trying to catch his breath. When he looked at his son the man’s eyes were so full of hope that Miller nearly flinched. “Nathan, they found Farm Station.”

It’s like the world exploded all over again. Everything shatters, a loud bang deafens him and a bright light blinds him.

His heart must have stopped, surely he is dead.

“Dad…” Miller croaks. His voice is rough with his impending tears and that one word nearly breaks him. This can’t be real. The last time he came close to finding Bryan he was left with nothing, he doesn’t think he can take that again.

But there’s something about the way his dad looks, the shine to his eyes and the smile, that makes Miller pause. Miller hasn’t seen his dad smile like that in years.

David Miller has always been a pillar of strength for his son and the man has never lied to him before. Maybe Miller can take this chance, maybe one final time he can choose to hope.

This time the feeling of hope is different, not as bright but far steadier than before, this time it feels more real.

“He’s bringing them back, Nate. They’ll be here in a few minutes,” David hardly finishes the sentence before Miller is running down the hall.

This new brand of hope makes him jittery, makes him feel like he could race around the world and back. For the first time in days his mind is completely blank, his whole being focused on getting to the front gates as quickly as possible.

Rushing past guards and nearly tripping over children, Miller races through Arkadia. He hears people shout at him but their voices mean nothing, they are just a blur on the outskirts of his awareness.

When he reaches the gates he finds the Chancellor waiting patiently to greet Farm Station. Miller skids to a halt beside her, glancing briefly at the doctor before his full attention is on the still closed doors.

They must be close if Abby is waiting. Miller hardly has any energy to think of what if’s or worst case scenarios. His mind’s sole focus is on those doors and the people who will be entering through them soon enough.

“Excited, huh?” Abby teases, though Miller pays her little attention.

Any second now, those doors will open and Miller’s fate will be sealed. Either Bryan will be alive or he won’t. This will be the end of his guessing either way.

There are a few shouts as the guards take position to cover the incoming Station, and many Arkadians flock to the gates eager to see lost love loved ones. Miller ignores all of this as the gates to Arkadia open.

This is it. This is the moment his life either changes for the better or the worse. Either way, his life is about to change forever.

A swarm of people make their way through the gates, some people he recognises and others he doesn’t. None of them are Bryan.

His heart is pounding as more and more people enter the gate, more than half of them dressed like grounders. Even with masks covering their faces he can tell that they aren’t Bryan. It’s the shape of their bodies or the way they walk that gives it away.

His eyes are stinging from how rapidly they survey the crowd and his legs, already tired from hours in the training room, strain as Miller rises on his tip toes to see better. He’s looking for shaggy brown hair, thin lips, and a sharp jaw. He’s looking for his farm boy.

He looks and looks but slowly his hope is dying. Each new face that enters the gate chips away at his hope. He can’t see Bryan anywhere. No matter how many faces he searches, no matter how many walks he scrutinizes, none of them are his Bryan. 

His heart sinks as his feet lower back to the ground. This is his answer then; Bryan truly is lost to him. A sigh that sounds more like a sob leaves Miller’s mouth, his eyes skirting away from the gates. He should have known better than to hope.

Just as his eyes leave the gates he notices one of the Farm Station people dressed heavily in Grounder gear stops. Right in the centre of the crowd this one person stops. It’s strange enough to draw Miller’s attention.

At first glance Miller doesn’t think anything of the person, at least he doesn’t think it’s Bryan given the height, but then the person reaches up and removes the mask. As the mask falls away a shock of brown hair bursts free, sticking up in every direction. Sad, brown eyes stare back at Miller, so familiar that he feels like he’s back on the Ark tucked away in a hall staring into the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen.

Is this real or has his sleep deprived brain conjured up his biggest fantasy?

There are several feet parting them but Miller can see their lips move. Though he can’t hear the word he knows exactly what was said.

“Nate?”

In an instant he’s moving, his feet rushing forward before his mind catches up. He bangs into people, pushes them out of the way, jumps over forgotten packs and runs towards his greatest dream. For the second time that day Miller doesn’t care about the people he’s bypassing, all he cares about is reaching his destination.

It feels like a lifetime before he’s standing there, toe to toe with the man of his dreams. His breath is quick, heart beat racing, and eyes zipping to every corner of this face that is at once so familiar and so different. Then they roam down a body that is far thicker than the one he remembers holding through the night.

Miller wants to reach out and touch, to feel the warmth of skin and the electricity that always passed between them, but he’s scared that if he does then this will all have been a trick his mind is playing on him. He’s not sure he can take much more disappointment.

Those familiar brown eyes are wide, quickly filling with tears, and Miller can’t take it anymore.

“Bry?” he breathes, the word like a sweet caress on his tongue. Despite the softness of his voice it’s as if a shot was fired.

Bryan sobs, a harsh sound that nearly breaks Miller, and lunges. Wrapping his arms tightly around Miller’s shoulders, Bryan buries his face in Miller’s neck and cries. Miller stumbles back a step with the force of it but his arms quickly snake around Bryan’s waist. He laughs wetly, shocked to his very core.

Bryan is real.

Bryan is alive.

Bryan is back in his arms where he belongs.

He clings to Bryan, much in the same way that Bryan is clinging to him, and he laughs through his own tears. They are a mess, tears and snot covering their faces and sobs or disbelieving laughter tearing their throats, but neither cares in this moment. Nothing else matters but the boy in his arms.

He can’t believe it. Throughout the past few months on Earth Miller always dreamed of seeing Bryan again but at the back of his mind he thinks there was a part of him that never believed this would happen.

Yet here he stands, the love of his life crying into his shoulder, squeezing him so tight it hurts. Miller just holds Bryan tighter and lets his heart fill with all the love and light he’s been hiding away for far too long.

“I found you. I finally found you,” Bryan is whispering into his neck, over and over like a mantra. He hiccups over his words, stops and starts, but it’s like it’s the only thing he can say. It’s as if he’s having just as hard a time as Miller is at believing this.

Miller chokes out a sob, somehow managing to squeeze Bryan closer to him. He rocks them slightly from side to side, his arms running up and down Bryan’s back.

“I’m here baby, I’m really here. I’m not going anywhere,” he shushes, trying to calm his frazzled boyfriend as much as he’s trying to calm his own nerves.

For the first time in months Miller doesn’t care about people seeing him break. For once he doesn’t care about being the strong one, the second in command, or the calm and collected guy. He doesn’t care that he’s opening crying in public or that people are starting at the two of them as they embrace.

The only thing he cares about is the boy in his arms.

Bryan is solid against him, breathing life back into Miller. For once, Earth didn’t screw him over.

~ ~ ~

Bryan pulls back a little from their embrace to look at Nate one more time, to make sure this is real. He looks into Nate’s dark eyes and feels himself relax for the first time in months when he’s rewarded with that cheeky smile he fell in love with.

He had an almost violent urge to feel that smile against his lips, to remember what Nate’s lips felt like, to bring back a part of him he thought he lost. Embarrassingly Bryan whimpered before crashing his lips against Nate’s.

It had been too long.

Nate groaned against his lips, opening up to him. His lips were soft, just as Bryan remembered. They lost themselves then, in the push and pull of their mouths, in the twists of their tongues and the nips of teeth. It was rough and hard yet soft and gentle. It was passion and it was comfort.

But most of all it was love.

Bryan pulled back from the kiss after a long moment, unclenching his hand from the back of Nate’s shirt to touch his lips. He chuckles, feeling light headed and giddy, resting his forehead against Nate’s.

“What?” Nate smiles at the no doubt goofy look on Bryan’s face. He feels like he should be embarrassed about that, but in the face of Nate’s smile Bryan can’t find anything in the universe to worry about.

“Nothing, it’s just…Beard,” Bryan chuckled, staring at the thick beard on Nate’s jaw. He’d never kissed anyone with a beard before – well, he’d never kissed anyone but Nate before, and Nate had never had a beard before. It was an odd sensation to feel surprisingly soft bristles against his cheek.

“Oh,” Nate blinked, a blush blooming on his dark cheeks. Bryan wanted to lick the reddening skin. “Do you like it?”

“I dunno, let me try it out,” Bryan mumbles automatically, his brain not quite having caught up yet. He tears his eyes away from Nate’s glistening lips at the man’s groan.

“That was so cheesy, Bry.”

Now Bryan is the one to blush, even after the hardships of Earth his mouth still gets him into these situations. Nate laughs as if everything in his life is perfectly in place and Bryan can’t help but kiss that smile.

There’s more smiles and laughter than actual kissing, but it’s perfect and they lose themselves in their embrace once again.

“You gonna let me say hello are you gonna stand there kissing all day?” a deep voice says teasingly from beside them. They break apart hastily, but don’t move far from each other. Bryan keeps one of his arms draped around Nate’s shoulders as they turn to face the voice that interrupted their reunion.

Bryan feels the air rush out of his lungs when he sees David standing there smiling at the two of them. The older Miller looks a thousand times better than the last time Bryan saw him, heartbroken on the Ark as they said their goodbyes.

“Way to ruin the moment, dad,” Nate drawls beside him, his arm circling Bryan’s waist.

“I thought it best to break up the show before you guys starting losing your clothes.” David raises a very pointed eyebrow at Nate and Bryan can feel him shift a little awkwardly under his arm.

Bryan wishes he could join in the teasing – he vividly remembers getting caught half naked with Nate in a hallway on the Ark by a class of kids and a rowdy group of new guards. David had enough ammo to embarrass them for the rest of their lives – but he was shocked speechless at the sight of the man. After everything he’s been through on Earth, seeing David again is a whole different type of comfort than seeing Nate.

David turns his attention back to Bryan and the way his whole face softens makes Bryan want to cry again. “Hey kid,” he smiles.

“Chief Miller,” Bryan chokes out through his laugh, tears pricking his eyes. David’s deep laughter fills Bryan’s ears as the man reaches out and pulls him into a hug. Bryan clings to David almost as much as he did to Nathan. Miller’s give amazing hugs; he can’t believe he had forgotten that in the months they’d been separated.

“It’s good to have you home Bryan,” David whispers into his hair before pulling back.

_Home_. It’s such a foreign concept after all this time, but standing here with the Miller’s he remembers what home felt like.

Stepping back, Bryan slides his hand into Nate’s and squeezes. Now that he has Nate back he hardly wants to let him go.

“As a bit of a ‘Welcome Home’ present I arranged for you two to have your own quarters. I didn’t think you wanted to share with me anymore so I pulled some strings and your place is right down the hall from mine,” David shrugs, “family sticks together after all.”

Bryan’s eyes instantaneously fill with tears at David’s words. A real family again, something he’s always wished for and something he’s incredibly grateful for now that he’s found it. He realises he’s cried more in last five minutes than he has in the past four months.

It’s a relief to realise that he doesn’t care.

Since arriving on Earth he’s had to be tough, had to be strong and unattached because this life was a living hell. Bryan had worried he’d changed too much to ever feel again. He smiles at the Miller’s, the people that showed him what it means to truly live and not just survive.

Nate sniffs before dethatching himself from Bryan’s side to pull his father into a crushing hug. Bryan’s smile turns fond as he watches the display. Father and son have never shied away from physical affection and Bryan is thankful that Earth hasn’t changed that about their dynamic.

“Thanks, dad. Really,” Nate says as he pulls away from his father and reattaches himself to Bryan. Not that Bryan is complaining. “We’ll have dinner together at your place then, after we’ve checked out our place.”

David laughs at that and waves them off. Bryan blushes even as Nate leads him through Arkadia by the hand. It’s pretty obvious what was going through David’s mind there and Bryan’s not sure how to handle that.

On one hand, he wants nothing more than to relearn every inch of Nate, to familiarize himself with the contours of his lean body, and discover all the new edges and curves.

On the other hand, he’s worried about Nate relearning his body. He’s not the same farm boy he was on the Ark.

His worries aside, Bryan happily following a laughing Nate through the halls of Arkadia towards their new place. He’d pretty much follow Nate to the ends of the Earth and back.

~ ~ ~

Miller’s finding it hard to wipe the smile off his face. He got his boyfriend back and their standing in their new quarters his dad arranged for them. Earth has never felt like paradise until this very moment.

There’s nothing particularly special about their quarters, everything on the Ark basically looks the same, except for the fact that it’s theirs. No more living separately or sharing with his dad. This place is 100% theirs, a home they can fill together, their own slice of peace and serenity. Nathan couldn’t ask for anything more perfect than that.

When he turns from surveying the room and his eyes land on Bryan’s shaggy appearance, he rethinks that.

Bryan is the most perfect thing in his life, and he always will be. Miller is still in a state of disbelief that it really is Bryan standing in front of him and not some illusion.

He feels as chaotic as a live wire, his nerves making him jittery. Unsure of what to do with himself Miller gestures to Bryan and the pack he carries.

“Is that all your stuff? We can start putting it away, make the move official,” he smiles at Bryan, in fact he’s hardly stopped smiling since he realised it was Bryan underneath that mask. Briefly, Miller wonders if he’ll ever stop smiling, if the novelty of having Bryan returned to him will wear off. He sincerely hopes not.

Bryan blushes, lowering his eyes as he nods. Embarrassment radiates from the former farm boy as he hands his medium sized pack over to Nathan. Miller frowns slightly, wondering what he said wrong to cause such a reaction.

This reunion was meant to be filled with happiness and love, not awkward embarrassment.

It takes a moment for Miller to realise his mistake, to remember that he’s with Bryan now and Bryan isn’t like most people. His boyfriend has always hated being reminded that he was a lower class or didn’t have the nicest things; above all he hated looking like a pity-case.

Lowering his head slightly to catch Bryan’s brilliant brown eyes Miller gentles his voice and smiles softly at his boyfriend. “It’s more stuff than I had when I came to Earth.”

He’s rewarded with Bryan’s beautiful smile and Nathan feels on top of the world. He can’t believe he survived four months without that smile.

Dropping the pack by the couch and taking both of Bryan’s hands in his own, Miller stares at their hands for a moment. On the Ark their skin tone difference was more noticeable, Miller being several shades darker than his pale farm boy. However, on Earth it seems they’ve both gotten a touch of sun. While his skin darkened in his time on Earth, Bryan’s once pale skin has tanned greatly. Miller can’t wait to peel back the layers and see more of Bryan’s newly golden skin. Rubbing his thumbs over the back of Bryan’s hands, Miller notes how rough and scarred Bryan’s hands are now.

There are so many new things to discover about Bryan and there doesn’t seem to be enough time to thoroughly catalogue all of them.

Bringing these hands, once so familiar yet now so estranged, up to his lips, Miller kisses each of Bryan’s palms. He savours the taste and the feel and is thrilled that it is as he remembers. This is still his Bryan underneath the hardened exterior.

Bryan shivers in his hold and Miller can’t help the subtle smirk he presses into Bryan’s palms; he always was incredibly responsive to Miller’s actions. Tugging lightly, Miller pulls a dazed Bryan towards their new bed.

“Um,” Bryan halts a step away from the bed as Miller sits on the edge. Looking into the face of the man he loves nearly breaks Miller’s heart. Bryan looks so hesitant and afraid, like the very idea of sitting on a bed with Miller is the last thing he’d ever want to do.

It nearly tears Miller apart. What has Earth done to his sweet boy? What horrors has he had to endure to survive?

“I just wanna hold you, Bry,” Miller whispers, fighting back tears. His chest aches at how vulnerable Bryan looks and Miller wants nothing more than to ease each and every one of Bryan’s worries.

Practically melting at Miller’s words, Bryan climbs into bed and lies next to him. Miller arranges them so he’s lying on his back and Bryan is cuddled in tightly to his side. Right arm coming to rub soothingly up and down Bryan’s back, Miller feels reassured when Bryan places his head on Miller’s chest.

For close to half an hour the two remain just as they are in total silence. No words are needed here, no rushing passions or tearful confessions. All they need, all they’ve ever needed, is to be together.

Miller rejoices in the weight of Bryan draped over him and how his longer hair tickles Miller’s chin. He’s practically a purring kitten with the way Bryan runs gentles fingers over his chest.

It’s everything Miller could ever want. A peaceful oasis with his lover.

Being with Bryan in this simple way makes Miller feel like his batteries are being recharged. He hasn’t felt this good in a very long time, since before he was confined to the Sky Box.

Their serenity is only broken when Miller cranes his neck to kiss Bryan’s forehead, long hair tickling his face as he does so. Bryan twitches, like he’s been startled out of a daze and shuffles back a little.

“Sorry,” Bryan mumbles, “I must smell horrible.”

It takes Miller a moment to understand what Bryan is talking about, but when he does he can’t help but laugh. He’s had Bryan back for less than an hour and already he’s laughed more today than he has in months. The things this boy does to him are a never ending amazement to Miller.

Bryan makes him feel things he never thought possible. Bryan makes him whole.

“I don’t care if you smell or if you’re covered in mud. You’re still gorgeous to me,” Miller smiles, pulling Bryan closer and kissing his forehead again. He’s positive he’ll never tire of this, of having Bryan in his arms, of getting to kiss him, of loving him.

“I’m so glad I found you,” Bryan whispers through shining eyes. “I missed your corny lines way too much.”

Miller nearly chokes on his laughter. He’s missed his sharp tongued boyfriend. When Bryan joins in on the laughter Miller feels as light as air, as if nothing could ever ruin this moment in time. That sound is heavenly and Miller vows to make Bryan laugh as much as possible.

Their laughter turns to kissing, a happy occurrence for Miller. He’d happily spend the rest of his life in this bed with Bryan and never want for anything else. The kisses they share now are small, delicate and full of smiles. It’s perfect.

After a final all-consuming press of lips, Bryan pulls back. Glazed eyes and plush lips greet Miller when he opens his eyes. They are both short of breath and the air around them sparks with electricity. “No, but seriously, I’d kill for a shower.”

Miller snorts, shaking his head at Bryan. Leaning forward Miller kisses Bryan’s cheek before climbing off the bed. His boyfriend is ridiculous, and he’s absolutely the love of Miller’s life.

“I’ll show you where they are.” Miller watches as Bryan digs through his pack for clean clothes, admiring the way Bryan bends to rummage through his meagre belongings. It’s a nice view. “They aren’t really private though.”

Bryan straightens immediately, his whole body tensing as if ready for a fight. Miller suspected this might be the reaction. On the Ark, Bryan was never comfortable with removing his shirt in public. Back then it had been because his torso was littered with bruises left by his father. After four months on Earth Miller can’t imagine what Bryan’s shirt now hides but he knows his boyfriend well enough to know showering in a semi-public area isn’t going to sit well.

He hates seeing Bryan afraid like this. He wants this to be Bryan’s home, for him to feel safe and loved. “I can get you some warm water and a cloth, and you can clean up in here if you want?”

It takes a moment for his soft words to have the desired effect. Bryan’s shoulders relax and he turns to face Miller. The smile that greets him, small as it is, is more of a reassurance than any words could be.

“It’s okay, I’ll just be quick. I’m gonna have to get used to communal showering sometime. Might as well start now.” Bryan’s voice isn’t exactly inspiring confidence but Miller is immeasurable proud of his boyfriend none the less. Stepping closer, clutching his new clothes in his left hand, Bryan cups Miller’s jaw and places the slightest of kisses on his lips. It’s brief and light but leaves Miller feeling lightheaded. “Thank you for the offer though. It means a lot.”

“Anything for you.” Miller kisses the tip of Bryan’s nose, unable to stop himself when presented with his boyfriend’s adorable face. “I’m gonna get my stuff from dad’s while you shower. Then we’ll officially be moved in.”

They’ve been dating for a little over two years, by now you’d expect things to get a little stagnant, to lose their shine. But everyday Bryan takes his breath away. Every day Miller finds something new to love about Bryan. Every day he smiles thinking of him, or gets excited when he sees him.

Right now, watching the way Bryan’s whole face lights up and idea of this place being their own is a beauty in its own right.

Bryan pulls him into a crushing hug, smiling into his neck and letting out little breathless giggles. Miller squeezes back and smiles, taking in the feel of Bryan pressed against him.

In their time separated on Earth, Bryan has certainly grown several inches. Miller used to love being a little taller than his boyfriend, but now that Bryan is the same height Miller finds he loves this even more.

He doubts there’d ever be anything about Bryan that he wouldn’t love.

“Oh!” Bryan exclaims, breaking the hug and rushing to his pack. Before Miller has time to wonder what’s going on Bryan is returning with something clutched in his hand. Looking around the quarters a moment, Bryan sets his sights on the shelving near the door.

He places a small object front and centre before stepping back. Miller approaches slowly, disbelief slowing his movements. There are tears in his eyes and his throat closes up. Hesitantly, he reaches out and gently runs his finger against the wooden object.

“You kept this,” he manages to choke out, a tear running down his cheek. Bryan scoffs loudly and wraps his arms around Miller’s waist, resting their foreheads together.

“Course I did. The man I love gave it to me. I’d fight all the grounders in the world for that thing.”

Sitting proudly on the shelves of their new home is a little wooden giraffe. The same wooden giraffe that Nathan gave to Bryan after their first date.

“I love you too, Bry,” Miller smiles, through his tears, and kisses his amazing boyfriend again.

They’re finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally made it to the Reunion!!!!! I'm never gonna be 100% happy with this but I might as well share it with you guys. I really hope this is okay. 
> 
> Next Up - Bryan has a nightmare about his time on Earth
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)


	12. No Safe In Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in months, Bryan is safe but he still wakes up sweating with terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set between 3x02 and 3x03

It’s been a week since they found Arkadia, since Bryan found home in Nate’s arms again. Adjusting to the idea of being safe isn’t something that’s truly sunk in for everyone yet. Bryan’s having the same problem and he keeps waiting for a Grounder attack, for blood and death and mayhem.

But it never comes.

Being with Nathan again has been everything Bryan always dreamed. Nate is still the confident, secretly sweet, thief he fell in love with. Bryan just isn’t sure he’s the same farm boy.

They haven’t done anything remotely sexual since their reunion, and that’s all on Bryan. He’s different than what Nate remembers, he’s scarred now. Bryan’s having a hard time adjusting to that aspect of his life, of being comfortable in his new skin. When Nate makes it clear that he’s more than willing to wait a lifetime for Bryan to be ready, the boy feels like he’s the luckiest man on Earth.

He’s safe, he’s loved, and he’s the closest to happy he’s been in months. And yet, he is plagued with horrifying dreams.

When he was with Farm Station in the Ice Nation the dreams were a constant but sleep was rarely longer than a few hours so they hardly had time to form before Bryan was awoken to a new battle. There was no time to dwell on the past or let your subconscious twist events to haunt your dreams. Now however, he’s able to sleep throughout the night, on a soft mattress in a temperature controlled room and in the arms of the man he loves.

The dreams have time to manifest now, have time to really sink their claws into his mind and show him everything he wishes weren’t based on his reality.

It’s the night before the funeral and Bryan finds it hard to get to sleep. He’s jittery, snapping himself awake the moment his eyes droop, and heart pounding in a combination of fear and nerves. When he finally drifts off to sleep he knows immediately that it’s going to be a bad night.

There is no slow progression into this nightmare, no false start, no fade into darkness. As soon as Bryan starts to dream he’s immediately assaulted with blood and gore, horrific screams and battle cries. It’s everywhere and he can’t escape it.

Sharp rusty spears, millimetres from Bryan’s face, dripping in crimson. The blood is so thick in the air Bryan can taste it. It drips down the blade and falls on Bryan’s chest. He tries to stem the bleeding but there is just too much. His hands covered in dark blood, forever stained. Choked cries, and the wet gurgling of a last breath echo in his ears. The unmistakable thud of a lifeless body hitting the dirty ground, a sound he’ll never forget.

A life is lost.

There is so much blood.

Heaving footsteps are coming for Bryan now. Shouts of joy ring out with the thrill of the chase, and he is the prey.

He can’t outrun them; they know this terrain better than he. Pack heavy, full of food that will feed his people, Bryan runs. Footsteps closing in, getting louder and louder; Bryan’s panting for breath and straining his already abused lungs. His legs burn and his chest aches. Blood still clings to his clothes and dries on his hands.

“Bryan!”

Bryan stumbles over a tree root and loud cackling sounds from behind him. They enjoy his pain, enjoy seeing him fall to his knees and weep.

“Bryan!”

Hands grab him and Bryan screams, they can’t have him too. He kicks and punches but more hands are on him. They have him, but Bryan doesn’t give up. They laugh and taunt, smear more blood on his face, bare their rotting teeth at him. Bryan can smell the stench on death upon them and tears spring to his eyes. He’ll be next. He failed her, he failed them, and he failed himself.

He failed everyone.

It’s all his fault.

With a shout Bryan feels a sharp knife pierce his skin, feels it make its jagged way through his organs, and he feels it breach the other side. Bryan chokes, shock making the pain disappear before it even registers.

An icy cold overtakes him even as the blazing sun cracks his skin. The masked face in front of him growls at him. That horrifying face is the last thing Bryan see’s before his heavy eyes slip shut and the cold darkness of death takes him.

“Bry!” Nate shouts desperately, shaking Bryan’s shoulders.

Bryan blinks awake, confusion and fear battling inside him. Scrambling up the bed in panic, Bryan sits and surveys his surroundings. He’s in his quarters, the one he shares with Nate, not in the Ice Nation forest running for his life. He’s with Nate, not the Grounders, not his dying friend.

That wasn’t how that day happened; it was just his mind playing tricks on him.

He’s safe, he’s alive, and he’s with Nate.

Nate shuffles up the bed, his hand reaching for Bryan before pulling back. Bryan hasn’t seen Nate look this worried since the first time he saw Bryan’s body covered in purpling bruises. “Bry? Are you okay? You were thrashing in your sleep.”

“Oh,” Bryan breathes, his chest heaving and eyes wild. He feels clammy and warm yet shivers when cool air hits his sweaty skin.

It wasn’t the fear Bryan was having trouble controlling – the nightmare was actually mild in comparison to the horrors he’s seen since landing on Earth – but it’s reality. The nightmare felt so real, he could smell the blood, feel it sticking to him, and he can still feel phantom hands grabbing him. He’s having trouble believing he’s really in his own bed with Nate and not being hunted by Grounders.

Nate inches his way closer, until his warm body is right next to Bryan’s. That warmth more than anything is what brings Bryan back to reality. He slumps, leaning heavily against Nate who wraps his arm around Bryan’s shoulders.

For one single moment Bryan takes all the comfort he can in Nate’s embrace, but one moment only. Clearing his throat, Bryan straightens and sits back. His face closes up, his heart forcibly pushed behind a thick wall and his tears dried up.

Bryan sits ramrod straight and staring straight ahead, his emotions pushed down until he can’t feel them anymore. It’s difficult but it’s something he’s had to do for months now, not show any emotion whatsoever.

It’s what Pike taught them.

It’s how they survived.

“Oh, Bry,” Nate commiserates, crawling across the bed until he’s wrapped around Bryan’s back. “You don’t have to hide the bad times from me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Bryan gulped and by slow increments he relaxed into Nate, his back against Nate’s strong chest. Even through his shirt he still got a shiver where they touched. He wondered distantly if he’d always feel this way about Nate, if every touch would feel like the first time.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, pulling Nate’s arms tighter around his chest, breathing in Nate’s unique scent. “Pike didn’t want us showing emotions because that meant we had weaknesses, and if we were weak we wouldn’t survive. I guess I’m just used to having to be strong.”

He feels like he’s let down Nate with how he’s acting now, but then again he feels as if he’d let down Pike if he didn’t bottle everything away. He’s walking on a tightrope and there’s no net to catch him. Nate used to be his net, but somewhere along the way that changed.

_Bryan_ changed, and he’s not sure he likes who he’s become.

Nate reaches up and cups Bryan’s cheeks, turning the younger boy’s face so they’re eye to eye. The once cheeky thief now looks so full of love that Bryan feels like he’s drowning in it. It’s all he’s been doing all week, looking at Nate, memorising this beautiful face that smiles at him as if he’s the sun.

Not once since his return has Nate looked at him like he was broken or damaged beyond repair. He never looked at him with pity or grief. Nate looks at him like he’s a dream come true, an angel sent from the heavens.

Nate looks at him with love in his eyes and affection on his lips.

Tears spring to Bryan’s eyes when he looks at Nate now. He got lucky when an older boy wouldn’t stop staring at him during a Unity Day parade. Nate has been everything he ever dreamed and everyday he wakes up in Nate’s arms he needs to pinch himself to make sure it’s real.

“You don’t have to be strong here, Bryan. Not with me. Pike was wrong, emotions aren’t a weakness. If I’ve learnt anything on Earth, it’s that emotions are what make you brave and they are what give you strength. I already know how strong you are Bry, you don’t need to put on an act with me.”

Tears fall from Bryan’s eyes, as if all they needed to fall was the reassurance that he had someone to hold him up. Without thought, Bryan falls into Nathan’s muscled arms and weeps. He weeps for their rough landing and the harsh environment of the Ice Nation. He weeps for the ones they lost as soon as they arrived, and he weeps for the ones they continued to lose the longer they stayed. Bryan weeps for the dead, for the living, for the broken and the brave. He cries for everything that he saw and experienced in the months separated from his love.

Months of repressed fears and anger let themselves free, safe in the arms of someone who has always been his rock. Nate has never judged him before and he knows the man won’t fault him now. All the older boy does is squeeze Bryan tighter against his body, running a hand up and down Bryan’s back, and whispering praise and comfort in his ear.

Bryan clings to Nate’s sleep shirt like it’s the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart.

He cries and cries, letting everything out and Nate never stops his soothing gestures despite it being the middle of the night. After nearly an hour his heaving sobs die down to pitiful sniffles. Everything aches, his stomach, his chest, and his limbs. His eyes are as dry as deserts and his throat feels as if he’s swallowed knives.

Nate keeps rubbing his back and kissing his sweaty forehead, and Bryan has never felt so exhausted and loved in all his life.

“How you doing, baby?” Nate whispers against his hair. They rarely use pet names but every time Nate does it, Bryan feels like he’s floating on a cloud.

Bryan doesn’t know how to answer Nathan, doesn’t know how he’s feeling or if he even has the energy to figure it out right now. He feels boneless, his mind clear for the first time in years. He makes a noise in the back of his throat, shaking his head slightly, and buries his face back into Nate’s chest.

“Okay, okay,” Nate shushes, rubbing Bryan’s back again and placing his chin atop Bryan’s head. “You don’t have to answer that right now. You don’t have to say anything at all if you don’t want… but if you do, if you want to tell me what your nightmare was about, or about anything that happened out there, I’ll listen. I’ll always listen to you. Bry.”

For the first time all week, Bryan actually does feel like talking. He hasn’t wanted to previously, there’s just too much to say and all of it bad. He wanted to enjoy his reunion with Nate and David. He wanted to pretend like everything was fine.

Arkadia might be safe and protected and their people happy, but Bryan isn’t alright. Not yet, and maybe not ever, but in Nate’s arms he feels a little more like himself. Drawing strength from the one person who has always made him feel brave, Bryan pulls back and looks at Nate.

The older boy smiles softly at him and Bryan is helpless to do anything but kiss him. He brings their lips together softly; just a press of lips, but it’s enough to steal Bryan’s breath. When he pulls back, he does it slowly, taking his time to open his eyes again. Once opened, he sees how shaken Nate looks, and can feel the rapid beating of his heart. Bryan smiles, before turning around in Nate’s arms and leaning against his chest once more. He pulls Nate’s arms back around him, so he’s completely surrounded by all things Nate.

This might be his favourite place on Earth.

“Pike wants me to speak at the funeral tomorrow. He wanted me to talk about dad but there was no way I could find anything good to say about the man.” Bryan shakes his head, his anger already rising when he thinks of his father. Mikal was a horrible man in life, Bryan won’t pretend he was a good man in death. “Anyways, there was… I had a friend. She doesn’t have anyone left, so I’m going to talk about her.”

This is the first Nathan’s heard this. While he knew Pike had asked people to talk about their lost ones at the funeral, and he knew Bryan was one of them, Nate had assumed Bryan would be talking about his dad.

“She doesn’t have no-one, she has you,” Nate murmurs into his hair. Bryan smiles and snuggles back into his boyfriend.

“Her name was Iris, and she kind of became like a big sister to me. She taught me how to fight, how to hunt, how to harvest the meat, even taught me how to patch up wounds. She was pretty amazing, you would have liked her,” Bryan’s voice cracks, his eyes wanting to tear up but there’s nothing left in him to cry.

His mind flashes back to the last time he saw her. They were out hunting, moving silently through the forest and eyes keenly watching their surroundings. Iris was carrying the heavier pack, the one filled with all their food. It was a good haul, enough food to feed their people for a whole week. They should have headed back then, shouldn’t have pushed their luck.

Bryan didn’t even know they were under attack until Iris pushed him to the ground with a shout. She fell on top of him with a grunt and it took Bryan far too long to realise what was going on. Iris was gasping for breath, blood trickling from her panting mouth. Bryan’s eyes went wide and that’s when he saw them.

There were two rusty spears sticking out of Iris, one in her shoulder and the other in her stomach. They had gone straight through her, the points a breath away from Bryan’s face. The still warm blood dripped from the spears and landed on Bryan’s face. Within seconds he was covered in Iris’ blood.

Bryan had shouted, the horrible reality of what was happening sinking in, and he tried to stem the bleeding. There was so much blood. The wounds so large he’d never fill them. They were too far away from camp; he’d ever get her back to their healers in time.

That didn’t stop him from trying though.

His hands were wet with her blood and Iris tried to push herself away from him as the crashing of footsteps sounded behind them.

When she struggled to her knees, Iris pushed her fallen pack into Bryan’s hands. The teenager didn’t even notice the heavy pack in his lap as he sat up. Behind her he could clearly see two large hulking masses heading towards them.

“Run, I’ll hold them back,” Iris had wheezed. It was enough to shock Bryan out of his panic and he was already shaking his head before she’d finished speaking. He wasn’t going to leave her, she was the closest thing to family he’d ever had next to the Miller’s.

She pushed the pack at him again, the Grounders moving slowly towards them and laughing as if they enjoyed tormenting their prey. “Bryan, please. I need you to live. Don’t make me watch you die.”

“Iris…” he’d choked out a sob, his hand clutching at the pack.

“I know, kid. I love you too. We will meet again, in the next life,” she smiled at him, blood soaking her mouth. She didn’t even try to remove the spears from her torso, just gripped her own blade and heaved herself to her feet. “Let’s hope it’s better than the shitshow this life was!”

With a fierce battle cry, Iris turned and ran for the Grounders. Bryan scrambled to his feet, throwing the heavy pack over his shoulders and running in the opposite direction. He heard the clang of weapons and the thud of fists. Even running as fast as he was Bryan wasn’t fast enough to escape the scream as Iris fell. He nearly tripped when he heard her pain. He wanted nothing more than to run back to her but something in him kept his feet moving.

“Pike said it was the right thing to do. That her sacrifice kept our people alive,” Bryan sniffles, his throat hoarse from talking for so long. “I just, I wish I hadn’t left her. She saved my life, and I let her die.”

Everything was silent for a moment, Bryan lost in his grief and memories of his fallen friend. Nate ran his hand up and down Bryan’s chest, his steady breath moving against Bryan’s back.

“When we meet her in the next life, I’ll have to thank her for making sure you returned to me,” his voice was so gentle, so sure of everything he was saying that it alleviated some of Bryan’s guilt. “She sounds like an amazing person, and the world is a little darker for having lost her. But I don’t think she’d want you to feel guilty about this. You did exactly what she wanted, you lived.”

Bryan smiled a little to himself even as his exhaustion was finally catching up with him. Nate was right; Iris would have kicked his arse if she saw him moping around like this. Her and Nate would have made his life non-stop crazy but he would have loved every minute.

Bryan’s body feels heavy, his limbs turning to liquid and his eyes drooping. As he slowly slips into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in months, Bryan thinks he’s ready for the funeral tomorrow and hopes he can one day live the life Iris wanted for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: An argument over their new professions. 
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)


	13. A Fight For Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bryan's choice of occupation is causing rift's in their relationship, but Miller isn't giving up that easily.

Miller leant against the metal table just watching. Ever since Bryan was returned to him he’s found it hard to stop looking at him. Sometimes he stares just to make sure Bryan is real and not a figment of his imagination – something that happened once or twice while they were parted. Other times he stared because Bryan was honestly the most gorgeous man he’d seen in his life.

This time, he stared for a different reason.

He watched as Bryan stepped into the black pants, as he pulled on the tight fitting black t-shirt, and as he clipped up the protective vest.

Miller had seen this process several times now but the discomfort and nerves had yet to abate. Nothing distracts him from the uneasy feeling in his gut, not even how incredibly sexy Bryan looks in the uniform.

“I can feel you scowling from here,” Bryan says as he finishes securing his thigh holster and turns slightly annoyed eyes on Miller. “We’ve talked about this Nate, I’m doing it.”

“Well, maybe we should talk about it again,” Miller replies hotly. Uncrossing his arms he walks towards his boyfriend and deliberately trying to calm himself. He reaches out to adjust a strap on Bryan’s uniform, making his voice as gentle as his hands. “You never wanted to be a guard.”

“Neither did you. If I remember correctly, you said you’d rather give up your rations for a whole month than join the guard,” Bryan challenges, raising his eyebrow.

Feeling his face warm, Miller turns his head away. He remembers saying those words, remembers being a thief on the Ark and wanting to be nothing like his law abiding father. Shame burns within him at his younger self’s brash words.

These days, he feels pride when he puts on the uniform and gets to protect his people. That pride is doubled when on rare occasion he has a shift with his father. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else in Arkadia.

“That was the Ark. Earth is different. I don’t have the kind of skills you have. You’re a farmer, and a damn good one at that. You’d be better on the fields, they need someone like you to make sure they don’t accidentally poison us,” Miller tries to joke, to get the conversation heading in a lighter direction.

He places his hands on Bryan’s hips, feeling the warmth of his body and the strength of his newly hardened muscles.

Bryan snorts and smiles at the joke, bringing his arms up to Miller’s shoulders. For a moment they stay just like that, wrapped around each other and smiling like nothing’s wrong. In that one peaceful moment Miller feels like the luckiest man on Earth.

Then Bryan sighs and steps back from the embrace, their perfect moment shattered.

“I do miss creating something instead of destroying it, but it’s like you said, Earth is different.” Bryan pauses and turns his back to Miller. “ _I’m_ different.”

There was such sadness to Bryan’s voice that all Miller wanted to do was hug his boyfriend and never let go. He wanted to remind Bryan of the boys they were when they met, of the young men they were when he was locked up. He wants to remind Bryan of the happy times, when life wasn’t about blood and death.

But that is the reality of their lives here. Earth is a dangerous place and they must become something stronger than those young boys to survive. Miller just hoped their relationship could survive Earth, that the harsh reality of this place wouldn’t change them too much.

He hoped they’d always find their way back to each other.

“I know, but I don’t want Earth to burn away the farm boy from the Ark.”

“What if it already has?” Bryan whispers, shamefully, his back still facing his boyfriend.

Miller closes his eyes tightly and swallows hard. It’s a thought that has been swirling in his mind since Bryan first told him Pike had placed him on guard duty. It was just another reason to hate the guy, but Miller knew Bryan had a choice in the detail.

Bryan chose the violence over the peaceful fields.

That wasn’t a choice his farm boy would have made, but maybe Bryan is right, maybe the farm boy he remembers is gone. Miller doesn’t really know what to do with that information. Looking at Bryan’s slumped shoulders now, Miller knows one thing for sure.

Grabbing Bryan’s shoulder, Miller spins his boyfriend around and cups his pale face in his darker hands. Bryan’s eyes widen in shock and he isn’t quick enough to wipe the sadness from his expression.

“Farmer or guard, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. We’ve both changed and I’m looking forward to getting to know the new Bryan.” Miller kisses the relieved smile off Bryan’s face. It’s a soft press of lips, a whisper of love, and a promise of commitment. Pulling back after a stunned moment, Miller leans his forehead against Bryan’s as they both struggle to catch their breath.

“I miss the fields. I miss creating something instead of destroying it. I hate guns and all the blood and screaming, I hate it,” Bryan chokes out guiltily. He keeps his eyes squeezed tightly shut and clings to Miller’s tattered shirt. Miller rubs his thumbs across Bryan’s cheeks when the younger boy starts shaking.

“Then quit,” Miller smiles softly, shaking his head. It seems like such a simple solution to their problem.

Immediately he knows that was the wrong thing to say when Bryan stiffens in his grasp. In slow, calculated movements, Bryan detangles himself from Miller and reaches for his jacket.

“I have to see this through.” Gone is the warmth of their understanding, in its place is the icy cold of stubborn – and misplaced – loyalty.

Miller wishes he didn’t understand where Bryan is coming from. Since they fell to Earth, Miller has given his loyalty to Bellamy – and to a lesser extent, Clarke – without question. He understands following someone you believe in, someone you trust and respect.

He just can’t understand how that person could be Pike. How could that judgemental prick worm his way into Bryan’s sweet heart?

“Bry –“

“I’ll see you tonight.”

Miller is left standing in their quarters listening to the echo of the door slamming. Even when separated by such distance as the outer atmosphere he never felt this far from Bryan. Miller doesn’t know how to interact with this new Bryan, doesn’t know how to reach him or how to comfort him.

He knows how to deal with his farm boy, knows how to soothe their current disagreement, knows how to grovel and find their way back to the same page. This new Bryan, however, is darker and jaded. This Bryan seems more willing to throw harsh words and run from emotions than risk being hurt. Miller fears this new Bryan would prefer to face the brutality of Earth alone than risk disappointing him.

Perhaps it was foolish of him to assume that once he had Bryan back in his arms they would continue on like nothing changed. In reality, their relationship changed the moment Miller was locked in the Skybox. From there, the distance between them only grew – both metaphorically and physically.

Miller can feel Bryan pulling away from him now and it terrifies him that he might be losing his boyfriend. Fearing there is no way to fix them, Miller tries a different tactic. Maybe this isn’t about fixing their relationship, but about helping Bryan settle into this new life.

Their arguments aren’t about them as individuals, or even about them as a couple, it’s about adjusting to Earth and finding the new normal.

Miller is determined to get them on even ground, and focusing on who they are now compared to who they were on the Ark.

They are different men, but they still love the same.

This in mind, Miller grabs his ripped jacket and races out the door. He only has a few hours to complete his haphazard plan to soothe fraying nerves and find normalcy.

~ ~ ~

Miller has pulled all the favours he has for tonight. He feels like this is his only chance and if he doesn’t pull out all the stops now, then his relationship will slowly fade to nothing.

He got Harper to cover his patrol shift for tonight. The fiery blonde was more than happy to help when he told her it was for Bryan. Harper had a soft spot for Bryan and has been their number one supporter in regards to their relationship. He honestly couldn’t have asked for a better friend.

His next stop was to the fields to find Tyson. He and the older farmer had never really gotten along, mainly because Miller can’t help but feel a twinge of jealously when around the strapping young man. Bryan had told him early in their relationship that he discovered he was gay because of Tyson. When Miller first laid eyes on the tall and muscular man he could see Bryan’s point. The guy even had dimples when he smiled, it was hypnotic.

Miller knew Bryan would never cheat on him, Bryan just wasn’t that type of person, but every time Tyson was around Miller couldn’t help the knot in his stomach. He felt like he had to compete with Tyson in some way.

Tyson knew it too.

Every time Miller was around and watching the guy’s every move, Tyson would just smirk his way and flex. It’s like they were playing some sort of game waiting to see who would crack first.

Of course, it’s been almost an entire year since he last saw Tyson. He was hoping their slight animosity would have dissolved and they could interact like the adults they were supposed to be.

His hopes were shattered the moment he walked into the crops and Tyson laughed at him. Miller just rolled his eyes and got on with the reason he’d come. They got through their transaction with minimal smirks or glares.

There was still plenty of amusement lurking in Tyson’s dark eyes, and a clench to Miller’s jaw. Figuring that’s about as adult as they’re going to get, Miller let it slide.

He got what he came for, with plenty of instructions as if he were an incompetent child, and was able to leave just in time before Bryan’s patrol would take him past the crops.

After he set everything up in their quarters he knew it wasn’t enough. That’s how he cashed in his favour with Monty for a dozen candles and a loan of the music player. The knowing smile and quirk of his eyebrows left Miller blushing and making Monty promise not to say a word lest he want his own personal life the centre of Arkadia gossip.

Monty wisely shut his mouth.

Miller was never much of a talker, but he was a listener, an observer. He knew more than he wanted to know about people but in times like these his secrets came in handy.

He had to promise Mariana the best slab of meat and the skin from his next kill in exchange for her supplies of various fruits, bread, and the closest thing to cheese they’ve been able to make. Mariana was the best cook in Arkadia and the sternest 20 year old he’d ever met.

Miller kind of admired the small woman.

By the time their quarters were as near to perfect as he could get them, Miller had just enough time for a quick shower before Bryan got home.

Standing in the middle of their candlelit room, gentle melody’s filling the air, Miller was nervous. This felt like a first date, like an apology, like a proposal. Perhaps it was all of those, but it was also so much more. Tonight was Miller’s chance to show Bryan that they could make this work, that they could find their way back to each other and grow into something so much more.

His heart nearly stuttered to a stop when a weary Bryan shuffled into their room. There was a moment of panic when Bryan looked absolutely miserable before he took in the surrounding. Miller wanted to scrap his plans and rehearsed lines, and hug his boyfriend until that hopeless look left his beautiful face.

Bryan jerks to a stop as his wide eyes flit over their room, the heavy door silently falling shut behind him. Miller can’t help but fidget and ring his hands together when Bryan just looks on in silence.

“Nate… What?” Bryan breathes after a long moment. When he tears his eyes away from the room and locks eyes with Miller his eyes are watery and a small smile stretches across his lips.

Miller takes a deep breath; Bryan has never looked more beautiful.

“You, uh, you said you missed creating something. I want you to know that I may not like having you in danger, doing something you don’t even like, but I respect your decision and I’ll be there to back you up anytime.” Miller clears his throat and steps closer to Bryan, taking the younger man’s hands in his. When he speaks next, his voice is soft and full of all the emotions lurking in his heart as he stares at the boy that makes him feel alive. “I know you’re different, I am too, and maybe we need to learn who these new people are. _Together_. But whether you’re my farm boy or a badass guard, you’ll always be my Bryan and I’ll always be your Nate.”

This close, Miller can hear Bryan’s breath hitch, and feel the way he tightens his hold on Miller’s hands. Keeping his eyes locked on Bryan’s, Miller lets his boyfriend process the moment in silence.

The room fills with soft instrumental music as the candles create a romantic glow. On their coffee table is an array of delectable foods that make Miller’s mouth water. The real surprise, the one thing above all else that Miller wanted for tonight, is the dozens of potted plants surrounding their room.

Tall bushes stand on the ground, while small flowers line the window sill, and even vines hang from the ceiling. Everything is green with spots of red, yellow, and purple. Their once dull airship room is now filled to bursting with life.

“You did this for me?” Bryan croaks, a few tears escaping.

“I’d do anything for you.” Miller shrugs like it’s that easy, because to him, it is. Bryan means the world to him, whether it’s new Bryan or old Bryan. Never has he felt a love like this, a love that consumes him and breathes life into his lungs, and Miller will fight for this love until he dies.

Bryan grins and chuckles like he can’t believe this is real. He jumps and wraps Miller in a crushing hug, kissing him passionately. Bryan kisses him like he’s starved, tongues twisting and teeth clashing. Miller groans in pleasure, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s middle.

Bryan whispers his thanks into the kiss, thanks for the plants, for the reminder of who he wants to be, the acceptance of who he is now, and thanks for the respect. He devours Miller and the older boy willing lets it happen. He’d give his all if it made Bryan happy.

When Bryan pulls back, he doesn’t go far, leaning his forehead on Miller’s. They are both smiling and panting, Miller feeling dizzy and dazed as he clutches Bryan to him. They breathe together, sharing the same air, the same thoughts, and the same heart. In soft touches, mingled breaths, and sweet kisses they find the connection they’d thought lost.

“I think you already killed the Begonia’s though,” Bryan snarks with a cheeky smile and a glint in his eyes.

Miller scoffs, chuckling at his mischievous boyfriend. Taking a step forward, Miller flips them both onto the bed. They land with a thump, giggling like they didn’t fight that very morning, or like they won’t fight again in the future.

That’s because they still _have_ a future, they can both feel it in their kisses, their groaning, and laughing. They’re not perfect, and will no doubt have the same argument again, but they’re committed and together. And that’s really all that either of them can ask for.

Earth isn’t a kind place, but together the darkness feels a little less hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: Attempt at Sexy Times. 
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)


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